"Am I willing to Pass up Something Good for Something Great"

I posted this question the other day on Facebook in hopes that someone would share with me they're experience' to tell me I am not the only one who does this. Some would say, what is wrong with good? I say there is nothing wrong with good, but why am I so afraid of what is great? I have like so many others been comfortable in the "Good". Only to look back and wonder why I have always been so willing to settle for less then what I wanted or desired? I sat in the quiet darkness this morning after being unable to sleep, listening to the quiet, that only the darkness can offer. I asked the Divine Spirit that very question. I had someone tell me sometime ago that I deserved to be the prize, so again I asked the Divine Spirit what was that suppose to look like. I could her hear her laugh gently at me, saying so quietly with a voice you can only hear with your heart, if you could only see what I see. So I sat quietly with that for a moment, stepping outside of myself to try and see what the Divine Spirit was seeing in me at that moment. What did I see? I saw an imperfect and sometime fragile, sometimes strong woman, who fears her own greatness...who has for whatever reasons, whatever lessons were presented choose to go for safe, rather then taking a risk...always settling for the "good" because it has always been safe, rather the the great...the great would mean taking a risk in believing the words I chant on my prayer beads every morning...I am love...I am worthy...I am kind...and to believe that I am meant to do great things with my life. I was asked the other day what it looked like to completely surrender to the Divine Spirit's will for me and I said I didn't know. I was told that I would know when it happened...and I feel that in the quiet this morning I felt that light of surrender...everything I have done in my life has lead me to this moment of surrendering. I had a friend email me this morning two simple words and they were "No Fear". I wanted to ask her what did that look like to her? Instead I turned the question inward and the answer I heard was by being true to myself, accepting that everything is exactly how it is suppose to be at this moment, and to surrender to what lies within me. The truth is sometimes I am a lost little girl stuck in the middle, of wanting that which brings physical comfort, for what is wrong with that? And that of taking the plunge into the depths of spiritual awareness and consciousnesses. What does that mean? I heard the term contrary action the other day and it reminded me of a friend who many years ago tell me to do contrary action. Contrary action meaning to do the exact opposite of what I was thinking. I want on the surface what everyone else wants. Ignorance is bliss, and consciousnesses is a bitch. It means on a spiritual level doing the right thing. Which is to come from the heart. I do get scared, I don't want to fall down, I don't want to get hurt, I want to know that it is all going to turn out great in the end and mostly I want what I want and I want it when I want it. I have always thought my timeline was better then the Divine Spirit's timeline. I don't always want to do the right thing and that it's okay, but now days most of the time I do. I am by no means perfect in anyway, shape or form. But it's by seeing my imperfections, by realizing that because I am willing to continue to trust the path I have been awakened to, that by accepting this truth about myself, that perhaps this is the key to willingness~ to admit my fear and to walk through it anyway. That which I want at the end of the day on a deeper sometime unconscious level is what everybody wants, which is to know that I loved the best I could with all of who I am and what I have and to know that I was loved, if only by me...to know I am worthy of not only the Divine Spirit's love and plans for me, but to also know that the Divine Spirit dwells in me as me. My same friend in a separate conversation said to me Life is rarely Simple. After sitting quietly this morning I would say to her, I don't think that's true...I think life is simple, it is I that complicates it by getting in the way of what the Divine Spirit wants for me...If I truly could get out of my own way and surrender and believe that which is true in my heart...then and only then will I stand in the light of my own greatness and know that I can pass up something good, for something great...

Stormy Days raging away...











When did my insides start to be reflected by pictures of the outside?
Stop...
Sometimes that which makes us chaotic is the catalyst for change. Why even go down the road in search of the Divine or whatever greater truth drives us when it lays within and always has. What fears keep us from wanting the greater truths revealed to us, those we choose to ignore in pursuit of material happiness, thinking the key lies in the safety of a warm home, a job that somewhat satiates the accumulation of stuff, a partner in bed at night that keeps us from being alone with our thoughts and feelings.
Stop...
What is fear? Why am I afraid and of what...who...myself? I am so afraid of my greatness as part of the Divine spirit that I choose to focus on that which lays outside of me. Thinking all that which I thought would make me happy in fact leads me to sit quietly in meditation, fantasizing about things I am not or cannot be, that which no longer serves me except in my waking hours, living a life that would not be me or contaplating the missing piece and how do I surrender to that?
Stop...
Listen to sound of the coming storm which rages inside...pleading to follow my heart...that sound which is crashing down upon me...I can't spell it out for you when your truth is your truth alone...it is never that simple...life is never that simple...we are never that simple. I choose to complicate my life with thoughts of what I can't have, even when in my imperfect mind, I see what I want as perfection. Who am I? Who are you? And what is it I have to learn from you? And you from me?
Stop...
In the storm of my mind I have created the vision of a perfect love, a perfect life, a perfect day... in the calmness of my heart...I am where I am and who I am...I too am a student on this journey called life...learning as I go along...knowing like all of us, what I think, what I say and what I do can and does make a difference, if only in the confines of my expanding heart...

Has so much time gone by...






How does time slip away from someone who spends her time constantly trying to go faster, get things done quicker?



It's been over a year since I last wrote- another wheel has turned, and my life once again is in upheaval. School has passed, a job in which I got to experience both sides of the colorful spectrum known as employment, and a relationship where I not only got to experience both the love and joy of a beautiful woman, but also how much work I need to do to fix what was broken and taken from me as a young child growing up in very dysfunctional home.

I asked myself a few days after this break-up, "Self" what's the whole point? I sat with that in my self created misery, trying to hurry up and see the whole picture. Not even stopping to see the bigger picture, but I wanted to know what the whole goddamn point was. I was pretty mad at god and his/her whole universe. Why was life treating me so unfair. Why did god put someone in my life so amazingly beautiful to only have love once again keep me at an arms length...why would I get this amazing opportunity to have what could have been such a great job only for it to turn out to be a bunch of fucking nut jobs. And now I am suppose to be so grateful for having a job making half of what I was making throwing peoples packages around. I was just so fucking pissed at god- telling god in my still morning meditation that I thought gods plan was way more fucked up then mine. And then a few mornings ago, when I was able to sit still long enough, and when I cried why from the heart I heard in the smallest voice- because I love you and from when our pain is the greatest in our darkest hour- only then are we in a place of greatest surrender where we can be open and ready to grow in our spiritual journey. I still don't know what god's plan is for me or why I had to have love only to lose love, or why the incredibly great job turned out to be so cuckoo, but when I sit still long enough to remember how happy I was rather then reflect on sad on I can be, I get through another 24 hours on this journey called life.

Ah~Ha Moment 3

For what it's worth I believe in all sense of the word love, thereby I believe that's what led me to ah~ha number 3. So I sat with a good friend of mine yesterday watching her go through what were her trials and tribulations that we all must experience in their various lessons. Although our lessons are as different as we are, we operate as my gracious friend reminded out of two places and two places only. Love or fear. Now this is nothing new on me for I have heard this from numerous friends, sponsors, loved ones over the last million years, but as we know no matter how many times we hear it with our ears we never get it if we don't listen with our hearts. Through a course of conversations with this beautiful soul I revealed what I believe those closest to me already know and what I also know -is that I am full of fear. Fear of not being enough, having enough, good enough,hot enough,caring...loving...I can fill in the blank with so many not enoughs. And I realized that it manifests in my life as that constant insecurity of asking for constant reassurance from my loved ones and anyone willing enough to listen to the bullshit long enough to answer half ass truthfully. If the answer is yes to all of those above questions,if I can't answer them myself to my own content how can I possibley expect anyone to step up to the plate and give to me what I can't or won't even give myself. Perhaps listening yesterday with that open heart as opposed to an open mind led me to that ah~ha moment driving 60mph on 405 s thinking life does not come with a road map or a tom-tom (or what I refer to in my own twisted mind-a zigzig...)or even a manuel or starter directions. I believe that we get to experience opportunities to continue writing our own map. Perhaps having that realization driving 60 mph was almost enough to slam on the brakes in the middle of the freeway. It was hard not to cry as I resisted that urge to slam on the brakes-but what I felt and knew to be true in my heart was this. If we truly operate out of 2 places that being love or fear then surely as it was true that I operate (and not so comfortably anymore) in fear then what was the connection. And what I heard in and with all of my heart was this...if ego is fear masqueraded then if the opposite of fear is love then what is love. Seemingly simple the answer is source. Whatever I choose to call that source be it God,Buddha,higher power...again fill in the blank. But whatever was in the blank is truly love. Perhaps this is what I understood the most- If fear/ego is always afraid of not having,being good enough then you are never going to be____ enough,have enough_____ and will always want more and more only never to be be satisfied. However let go of fear/ego and connect with love & source then I will always be_____ enough, have enough_____ and I am thinking if this line of thinking is true to love and source then you will have,be... exceed everything you thought possible or even dreamed possible.And I am willing to try that after all what do I have to lose-my ego???

Subject to Change

So what is it that inspires us to stay the same or are we truly motivated by the perceived depth of our own individual pain. I heard once that we are only motivated to change once our backs are up against the wall and the pain is greater then the payoff. Why, is my question this morning? I sit and look at what is my life and what it is that I would change most about it. And the one answer I have at this moment is how I interact in all my relationships. Good, bad or indifferent. I know we all have things that we like or dislike about ourselves. Sometimes they are on the outside, such as I wish my finances were different, or I wish I had a different job or a different body, different partner, different car. We could add to this list ad infinitum. But what I am talking about here is the internal workings. My thoughts and my deeds. I have to seek outside help now because I can't deal with how I handle some people and or situations. The old ways of behaving no longer work for me and I am not sure that they worked before or perhaps they did in my shallow human mind. But they don't work in my heart today. I have had 2 situations lately where my behavior is not matching up with how I want to walk in this world. So how do I change these thoughts? How do I change these behaviors? This has been the burning question maybe for most of us. I know it has been for me. Oh I have heard so many suggestions- but as I sat in my morning meditation imagining the moon rising or sinking I thought that perhaps I am not suppose to be perfect-that I like all the rest of the world, am subject to fuck up, to grow up, to learn from all that I do. I like the rest of the world have the power today to subject myself to change. My choice is whether I am willing to sit still long enough to look at what needs to be changes or am I willing stay the same. What is the saying: "Insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results". And by staying the same am I willing to continue to deal with the same results. Then what would I have to offer the world, my friends, my relationships- a lesson on how not to be? Not what I want to be-it's not what I think God wants me to be. So for now I am willing to change-to become all that I am suppose to be- "Happy, Joyous and Free" ...

In Passing

(to my friend Brian who passed in June 2006)

Okay it is not in my nature to write anything about anybody other then myself but I feel compelled to write about the passing of two famous people. One who was very famous the other to be overshadow by this goliath of a mega-super star. One who made billions, and was constantly locked in his own house, virtually a prisoner of himself. How incredibly sad-so much he could have taught us in life but now lessons only to be learned in his death. The other-will only be remembered by a few-those perhaps closest to her and by a few others. She also had so much to show us- how to be graceful even when facing the inevitable, which we all have to do. How do we wish the world to see us and how do we leave our imprints not only to those closest to us but upon the world? These two amazing beings perhaps leaving before their time can at least show me how I choose to walk in the world.Maybe it's to early and the coffee hasn't settled in but I do think Farrah for all of her outer beauty showed us that the true measure of beauty comes from the inside. I was watching the Barbara Walters special last night and what her friends and loved ones were sharing actually moved me to tears...what I could gather was this-that fear is often our biggest advisory, that for some if not most of us we are controlled by our fears-truly never letting go but rather letting our lives being dictated by fear and leading us in directions not true to who we are. Farrah said at one point what is the worse thing that could happen? We fail...so what, we pick ourselves up and start again. Micheal of course proved to us what happens when we are so unhappy with who we are on the inside that we will go to any length to change the outside to make the insides feel better. But in the end he too was controlled by his own inner demons ended up a prisoner in his own self created delusional playground. This too has been true of me. The stories of my own hellish upbringing ringed close to home listening to interviews done of Micheal last night. I too strive sometimes to change my outside apperance- as I still sometimes think if I only work out harder or tan more , or make more money or I could fill in the blank with what kind of external happiness would just make me feel better on the inside. And at the end of the night when I lay in bed alone how do I look back upon my day. Do I want it to look like I faced my fears and walked confidently in the world or do I continue always doing what I have always done -which is to let my life be ruled by my own internal fears looking outside of myself orto other people or things for the internal fix.

Epiphany

I had a great epiphany yesterday- what if it is just the child and I...
I keep thinking there is something wrong with me...but there isn't...the child loves me, my friends love me, I even love myself today. I think god is a little screwed up or the universe is...I keep hearing love is the answer that it always finds a way....oh its the song I keep listening to. Never mind...So what was the epiphany? I kept trying to understand yesterday as I sat at the lake watching rebos play why I still attract unavailable women into my life...this makes me terribly sad as I wonder if on some level I feel as if I have something to protect-could it be my heart? Am I that fucking damaged? I spent a bit of yesterday after my best friend gave me a spiritual reaming the night before- about asking the universe for what I want. How is it I can believe with all of my being that "love is the answer" and still attract that what I do. As I sat thinking on the lakes bank that my life is better today then it has ever been- that I still believe that on some level maybe I am not worthy or some spiritual woo-woo bullshit that since my parents were unavailable I just have carried that into my now still sometimes struggling adult self. How do you reconcile this bullshit....it's all just a fucking illusion anyway-isn't it....sometimes it felt easier being in a blackout-didn't have to worry about this stupid shit...so if my parents were not really available, god knows I am not- why with working all the time, trying to start my own business, going to school full time-why would the universe put anyone in my life that might be available- I just always thought I could just make time if it was that important-maybe my priorities are skewed. Somedays I just wish I could pack everything up and go to Italy or wherever-but I just have this sneaky feeling kind of like wanting to move back to California that I would get there and still just have me at the end of the night.Go figure eh...Could be worse I suppose...I guess today I just still have to act as if...but what is the if...there is a bigger plan that I am not privy to...whatever god....
and then when I can get quiet enough this is what I hear
Open up your mind
Open up your heart
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find a way
Open up your mind