Ah~Ha Moment 3

For what it's worth I believe in all sense of the word love, thereby I believe that's what led me to ah~ha number 3. So I sat with a good friend of mine yesterday watching her go through what were her trials and tribulations that we all must experience in their various lessons. Although our lessons are as different as we are, we operate as my gracious friend reminded out of two places and two places only. Love or fear. Now this is nothing new on me for I have heard this from numerous friends, sponsors, loved ones over the last million years, but as we know no matter how many times we hear it with our ears we never get it if we don't listen with our hearts. Through a course of conversations with this beautiful soul I revealed what I believe those closest to me already know and what I also know -is that I am full of fear. Fear of not being enough, having enough, good enough,hot enough,caring...loving...I can fill in the blank with so many not enoughs. And I realized that it manifests in my life as that constant insecurity of asking for constant reassurance from my loved ones and anyone willing enough to listen to the bullshit long enough to answer half ass truthfully. If the answer is yes to all of those above questions,if I can't answer them myself to my own content how can I possibley expect anyone to step up to the plate and give to me what I can't or won't even give myself. Perhaps listening yesterday with that open heart as opposed to an open mind led me to that ah~ha moment driving 60mph on 405 s thinking life does not come with a road map or a tom-tom (or what I refer to in my own twisted mind-a zigzig...)or even a manuel or starter directions. I believe that we get to experience opportunities to continue writing our own map. Perhaps having that realization driving 60 mph was almost enough to slam on the brakes in the middle of the freeway. It was hard not to cry as I resisted that urge to slam on the brakes-but what I felt and knew to be true in my heart was this. If we truly operate out of 2 places that being love or fear then surely as it was true that I operate (and not so comfortably anymore) in fear then what was the connection. And what I heard in and with all of my heart was this...if ego is fear masqueraded then if the opposite of fear is love then what is love. Seemingly simple the answer is source. Whatever I choose to call that source be it God,Buddha,higher power...again fill in the blank. But whatever was in the blank is truly love. Perhaps this is what I understood the most- If fear/ego is always afraid of not having,being good enough then you are never going to be____ enough,have enough_____ and will always want more and more only never to be be satisfied. However let go of fear/ego and connect with love & source then I will always be_____ enough, have enough_____ and I am thinking if this line of thinking is true to love and source then you will have,be... exceed everything you thought possible or even dreamed possible.And I am willing to try that after all what do I have to lose-my ego???

Subject to Change

So what is it that inspires us to stay the same or are we truly motivated by the perceived depth of our own individual pain. I heard once that we are only motivated to change once our backs are up against the wall and the pain is greater then the payoff. Why, is my question this morning? I sit and look at what is my life and what it is that I would change most about it. And the one answer I have at this moment is how I interact in all my relationships. Good, bad or indifferent. I know we all have things that we like or dislike about ourselves. Sometimes they are on the outside, such as I wish my finances were different, or I wish I had a different job or a different body, different partner, different car. We could add to this list ad infinitum. But what I am talking about here is the internal workings. My thoughts and my deeds. I have to seek outside help now because I can't deal with how I handle some people and or situations. The old ways of behaving no longer work for me and I am not sure that they worked before or perhaps they did in my shallow human mind. But they don't work in my heart today. I have had 2 situations lately where my behavior is not matching up with how I want to walk in this world. So how do I change these thoughts? How do I change these behaviors? This has been the burning question maybe for most of us. I know it has been for me. Oh I have heard so many suggestions- but as I sat in my morning meditation imagining the moon rising or sinking I thought that perhaps I am not suppose to be perfect-that I like all the rest of the world, am subject to fuck up, to grow up, to learn from all that I do. I like the rest of the world have the power today to subject myself to change. My choice is whether I am willing to sit still long enough to look at what needs to be changes or am I willing stay the same. What is the saying: "Insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results". And by staying the same am I willing to continue to deal with the same results. Then what would I have to offer the world, my friends, my relationships- a lesson on how not to be? Not what I want to be-it's not what I think God wants me to be. So for now I am willing to change-to become all that I am suppose to be- "Happy, Joyous and Free" ...

In Passing

(to my friend Brian who passed in June 2006)

Okay it is not in my nature to write anything about anybody other then myself but I feel compelled to write about the passing of two famous people. One who was very famous the other to be overshadow by this goliath of a mega-super star. One who made billions, and was constantly locked in his own house, virtually a prisoner of himself. How incredibly sad-so much he could have taught us in life but now lessons only to be learned in his death. The other-will only be remembered by a few-those perhaps closest to her and by a few others. She also had so much to show us- how to be graceful even when facing the inevitable, which we all have to do. How do we wish the world to see us and how do we leave our imprints not only to those closest to us but upon the world? These two amazing beings perhaps leaving before their time can at least show me how I choose to walk in the world.Maybe it's to early and the coffee hasn't settled in but I do think Farrah for all of her outer beauty showed us that the true measure of beauty comes from the inside. I was watching the Barbara Walters special last night and what her friends and loved ones were sharing actually moved me to tears...what I could gather was this-that fear is often our biggest advisory, that for some if not most of us we are controlled by our fears-truly never letting go but rather letting our lives being dictated by fear and leading us in directions not true to who we are. Farrah said at one point what is the worse thing that could happen? We fail...so what, we pick ourselves up and start again. Micheal of course proved to us what happens when we are so unhappy with who we are on the inside that we will go to any length to change the outside to make the insides feel better. But in the end he too was controlled by his own inner demons ended up a prisoner in his own self created delusional playground. This too has been true of me. The stories of my own hellish upbringing ringed close to home listening to interviews done of Micheal last night. I too strive sometimes to change my outside apperance- as I still sometimes think if I only work out harder or tan more , or make more money or I could fill in the blank with what kind of external happiness would just make me feel better on the inside. And at the end of the night when I lay in bed alone how do I look back upon my day. Do I want it to look like I faced my fears and walked confidently in the world or do I continue always doing what I have always done -which is to let my life be ruled by my own internal fears looking outside of myself orto other people or things for the internal fix.

Epiphany

I had a great epiphany yesterday- what if it is just the child and I...
I keep thinking there is something wrong with me...but there isn't...the child loves me, my friends love me, I even love myself today. I think god is a little screwed up or the universe is...I keep hearing love is the answer that it always finds a way....oh its the song I keep listening to. Never mind...So what was the epiphany? I kept trying to understand yesterday as I sat at the lake watching rebos play why I still attract unavailable women into my life...this makes me terribly sad as I wonder if on some level I feel as if I have something to protect-could it be my heart? Am I that fucking damaged? I spent a bit of yesterday after my best friend gave me a spiritual reaming the night before- about asking the universe for what I want. How is it I can believe with all of my being that "love is the answer" and still attract that what I do. As I sat thinking on the lakes bank that my life is better today then it has ever been- that I still believe that on some level maybe I am not worthy or some spiritual woo-woo bullshit that since my parents were unavailable I just have carried that into my now still sometimes struggling adult self. How do you reconcile this bullshit....it's all just a fucking illusion anyway-isn't it....sometimes it felt easier being in a blackout-didn't have to worry about this stupid shit...so if my parents were not really available, god knows I am not- why with working all the time, trying to start my own business, going to school full time-why would the universe put anyone in my life that might be available- I just always thought I could just make time if it was that important-maybe my priorities are skewed. Somedays I just wish I could pack everything up and go to Italy or wherever-but I just have this sneaky feeling kind of like wanting to move back to California that I would get there and still just have me at the end of the night.Go figure eh...Could be worse I suppose...I guess today I just still have to act as if...but what is the if...there is a bigger plan that I am not privy to...whatever god....
and then when I can get quiet enough this is what I hear
Open up your mind
Open up your heart
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find a way
Open up your mind

Cosmos, Reality, Transcendence~

What is in the symbol? The "Mobius" represents infinity; no beginning~no ending. Why do I wear it? As I sat this morning rummaging through the sordid memories of my life avoiding what I should be doing, I kept coming back to this one simple thought. Nothing matters and it all matters. This is the craziness of the the mobius- its 2 dimensional form in a four dimensional world. As I sit listening to music this morning I can't help but think about all the things I consider to be important and how in the bigger picture how really unimportant they really are. I wake in the mornings letting my inner demons run my chaotic life- rather then peacefully strolling in this incredible journey we get to be on. How is it to be oh so human in a world full of two dimension thinking. Good/Bad...Right/Wrong...Black/White...oh to broaden my horizons, to expand my thinking into the cosmos...and still I struggle with daily traffic and thoughts of what my role is in this sometimes fucked-up world. How do I transcend out of the ordinary into the extraordinary- to attract likeness and well-being. I know there is more to this game then flesh and bones...that something deeper struggles to break free to the surface of reality or what I perceive to be reality. Maybe my only role is to just be...to bring about peace is to walk in peace in my own awareness of love, light, and joy and that is four dimensional believing.

Magic Carpet Ride....
You don't know what we will find, why don't you come with me little girl on a magic carpet ride...
Ah yes-magic carpet as only found in Monterey Ca. I just came back thoroughly convinced that I was so soon going to return, as sure as I would take my next breath was I. But today as I sat at home crashing emotionally after sleeping 11 hours-not so sure. For all my bravado, I can still be a scared little girl trying to figure out my way in this big, big world. I am just a vistor here somedays-forgetting that. What if this was my last moment here? Would I have lived the very best life I could, loving all that I could...being truthful, compassionate, loving...Like living in just the moment-being happy right where I am at this moment-instead of always believing that happiness lays outside of some great unreachable realm. If only I was doing this I would be the happiest I could be...or if I was living there instead of here I would be oh so happy...and here is my favorite-if I was with her or her or him....my life would be complete and I would be the happiest I have ever been...granted some of those things do make life more interesting but I am always running on such high octane that I rarely slow down to enjoy the ride. to enjoy my visit to Monterey...not that I didn't enjoy it...but I never stopped long enough when I got back to enjoy the magic that I had experienced-hell I rarely stop long enough to enjoy any magic of any given day or magical moment. and on and on it goes...no wonder some days we feel like checking out.
I was talking with a friend of mine last week and she posed the question when do we stop surviving? Today I say....I am tired of hitting the brick wall doing 90...my fucking head always hurts afterwards...one day when I look back I want to say what an incredible ride-I am glad I stopped long enough to be a willing partcipant rather then the observer...

"Sometimes You Have to Drive to be Lost"

Imagine just getting into your car and driving just because you can. If you're anything like me, when my life gets seemingly complicated and it's always by my own doing-I am usually left to one of two options- sleep or drive. One method leaves me unconscious in the ability to be an active part of the solution, the other well at least part of me is moving. Thus Wednesday morning started like all the other mornings for the last 2 weeks-up at 3 a.m.(can't figure out what is going on with the internal clock) anyway after reading my daily meditation which talked about life being like a mountain, sometimes rough and craggy and something about valleys of darkness and sunlight I like any other person who can twist things to justify any kind of behavior I am getting ready to act out on read into that: I have a test today, in which I have absolutely not study for...it's suppose to be almost 60 and beautiful today....hmmmmm rather then sitting in class resenting the fact that I am sitting in a classroom, taking a test I know I am going to fail-I think I will drive to the mountains. And after dropping my friend off at the airport thats exactly what I did. Off to the mountains I went with the black dog in tow. However as I was driving it occured to me that perhaps I would have better luck in resolving my inner conflict with life and such if I went and meditated at the ocean. Two and a half hours later I texted a picture to a friend standing on the shores of Ocean Shores-wondering wtf was I doing? It was cold and void of anyone except for Rebos and I. True happiness I know is watching the love of your life running full speed at you stopping short of barriling into you with a look of utter happiness for the abaility to run for miles with no leash or restraints. So if driving 5 hours round trip for that one look of utter joy then my day was worth it. But we continue on the highway north, stopping in one of my favorite places to nap (Mo Clips). Nothing says time for a nap then driving up on the beach, opening the sunroof and falling asleep to the sound of the ocean. After my nap off I continued to the rain forests of Quinault (and as my friend pointed out-yes I did get around that day). This was the ah-ha moment of the trip. So here I kept thinking (expectations) that I would get to the beach-have a little conversation with god and my life would be all better....but no. There I am driving on the Mo Clips highway driving,driving,driving not seeing any other cars for miles and it is absolutely stunning. The trees are bare a little snow here and there and the Olympic mountain range in front of me and I started to stress out thinking my car would break down (it wouldn't start back in Ocean Shores) and I would be stranded out in the middle of no where because it has been 15 miles and I still han't seen another car...finally I hit the main highway again and as I was driving that was the ah-ha....Sometimes even though we feel lost it really is only an illusion- and that if you allow yourself to be caught in the fear then you panic and do feel out of control. But stay in faith and all roads always lead back to the main road. When we live in fear of feeling lost we lose sight of all the things that surrond us in their beauty and that by having faith we continue to stay in the moment enjoying life for all that it has to offer-never missing the smallest thing that might bring us infinete joy. As I got to Lake Quinault gazing up at the worlds largest spruce tree I was reminded of my just how much growing that I still had to do-but also knowing the world's largest spruce tree did not get to be that size over night and neither do I. I get to have this experience called life and today I choose to have a conscienous part in how it is shaped while trusting the universe knowing that I am on the path-not right,not wrong...just on my journey and how blessed it is.

Oh the glorious sun...
No wonder I was a bit on the cranky side yesterday...I spent 2 beautiful days on the beaches of the oh so far away land of Alki. Sunday now I will tell you one of those days you wish you could capture in all of its wonder-wanting to replay it over and over in your head like some amateur home video-knowing maybe you and one other person will get it. It's the beauty of home video you know. What more could a girl want then 2 black dogs, one very attractive grrl and when I could close my eyes for as long as 10 seconds it felt like a beautiful late spring/early summer day. You know those ones I am talking about-usually don't happen till May. So this day in essance was a tease. All the way around. Not even close enough to May, still went home with one dog, and not quite sure what to do with how I feel about the grrl. Yesterday I kept closing my eyes feeling this burning image in my mind-hoping that its warmth would lift the chilly dampness seeping through my clothes- and yet when I would open my eyes the fog remained. Fog is a funny thing-and somehow it seemed to be a reflection of my thoughts and actions yesterday. I felt weighed down suddenly by everything, letting everything pull me down. And still I would grab on to that image and hold on once again closing my eyes and feel the burning rays upon my skin.
Sunday-one of those days where you feel that if there was anywhere else you could be that you would be exactly where it is you are as if only you and that one other person were the only two that mattered in that moment.
So on Monday as I sat going crazy in my house trying to figure out what the hell was going on in my suddenly seeming one track mind I grabbed my camera and once again made the trek to those beautiful far-away beaches of Alki. Wandering the same path I did the day before I had time to sit and observe not only the beauty surronding me on the outside but that coming from the inside. I always find it to be a thing of beauty and wonder when we connect with other people who can bring out the best in us even if it is in thought. And the thing is they don't even know it. I am blessed today and my life is a bounty of incredible gifts. I wouldn't trade this moment or any for anything different. As I sat watching the sun set-wishing the grrl and the dogs were there I thought to myself- relationships are like photography to me- I never know what I am looking for but I always know when I see it. The gift I get is that the picture never looks the same on the tiny monitor of the camera and I never know how it is going to turn out. So capture the moment, feel it burn when you close your eyes and keep your eyes open for the next moment.