Epiphany

I had a great epiphany yesterday- what if it is just the child and I...
I keep thinking there is something wrong with me...but there isn't...the child loves me, my friends love me, I even love myself today. I think god is a little screwed up or the universe is...I keep hearing love is the answer that it always finds a way....oh its the song I keep listening to. Never mind...So what was the epiphany? I kept trying to understand yesterday as I sat at the lake watching rebos play why I still attract unavailable women into my life...this makes me terribly sad as I wonder if on some level I feel as if I have something to protect-could it be my heart? Am I that fucking damaged? I spent a bit of yesterday after my best friend gave me a spiritual reaming the night before- about asking the universe for what I want. How is it I can believe with all of my being that "love is the answer" and still attract that what I do. As I sat thinking on the lakes bank that my life is better today then it has ever been- that I still believe that on some level maybe I am not worthy or some spiritual woo-woo bullshit that since my parents were unavailable I just have carried that into my now still sometimes struggling adult self. How do you reconcile this bullshit....it's all just a fucking illusion anyway-isn't it....sometimes it felt easier being in a blackout-didn't have to worry about this stupid shit...so if my parents were not really available, god knows I am not- why with working all the time, trying to start my own business, going to school full time-why would the universe put anyone in my life that might be available- I just always thought I could just make time if it was that important-maybe my priorities are skewed. Somedays I just wish I could pack everything up and go to Italy or wherever-but I just have this sneaky feeling kind of like wanting to move back to California that I would get there and still just have me at the end of the night.Go figure eh...Could be worse I suppose...I guess today I just still have to act as if...but what is the if...there is a bigger plan that I am not privy to...whatever god....
and then when I can get quiet enough this is what I hear
Open up your mind
Open up your heart
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find a way
Open up your mind