How does time slip away from someone who spends her time constantly trying to go faster, get things done quicker?
It's been over a year since I last wrote- another wheel has turned, and my life once again is in upheaval. School has passed, a job in which I got to experience both sides of the colorful spectrum known as employment, and a relationship where I not only got to experience both the love and joy of a beautiful woman, but also how much work I need to do to fix what was broken and taken from me as a young child growing up in very dysfunctional home.
I asked myself a few days after this break-up, "Self" what's the whole point? I sat with that in my self created misery, trying to hurry up and see the whole picture. Not even stopping to see the bigger picture, but I wanted to know what the whole goddamn point was. I was pretty mad at god and his/her whole universe. Why was life treating me so unfair. Why did god put someone in my life so amazingly beautiful to only have love once again keep me at an arms length...why would I get this amazing opportunity to have what could have been such a great job only for it to turn out to be a bunch of fucking nut jobs. And now I am suppose to be so grateful for having a job making half of what I was making throwing peoples packages around. I was just so fucking pissed at god- telling god in my still morning meditation that I thought gods plan was way more fucked up then mine. And then a few mornings ago, when I was able to sit still long enough, and when I cried why from the heart I heard in the smallest voice- because I love you and from when our pain is the greatest in our darkest hour- only then are we in a place of greatest surrender where we can be open and ready to grow in our spiritual journey. I still don't know what god's plan is for me or why I had to have love only to lose love, or why the incredibly great job turned out to be so cuckoo, but when I sit still long enough to remember how happy I was rather then reflect on sad on I can be, I get through another 24 hours on this journey called life.
