Rewiring the Default- Reflections on 11 years of Sobriety...

Not to long ago, this was a fair representation of of my life. Just a blank chalk board , no chalk anywhere, not an eraser, to be seen. Just a dusty, written on, erased, written on and erased, again and again and again, using every last piece of chalk in creating this life that I had . I have seen new chalkboards so clean and pristine in their boxes, but I never remember mine looking that way. As far back as I could see, mine always looked like this. Layers of chalky dust covering up the board. I guess I could have continued that path of rewriting my story over and over.  I am not sure when this all started to change- maybe it was the night of grace, in which my soul choke on all the dust, fighting for a breath of air, fighting for one more chance, one more day to experience what I was experiencing in all my pain and suffering. As I grew more comfortable with this blank board, it started to rewrite itself, not so much this time with writing, erasing and re-writing. Slowly it started to take shape, transforming itself to looking like this.

One day I started to wake up, and saw that on my chalkboard was a fair representation, of where I had come to. I didn't even know I had a comfort zone. But I knew and I could see, what laid beyond me. Somehow it seemed impossible to me. But willingness on a soul level, will propel you to always move in the right direction, regardless of what I am doing, by proxy of continuing to show up, my comfort zone started to grow, become bigger. Although still running on self will and self-centeredness, I didn't realize in those times where I was so uncomfortable, in all actuality I was changing.                                                              
                                                                          And then one day self-realization started to unfold  itself. I'm not sure what day that happened, but
what I did realize was that suddenly I was no longer standing still where I once stood so lost. As I stood on opposite side I could look and see, for the first time how limited was my thinking was. How convoluted my thinking was as soon as I imposed self limiting thoughts on myself, my higher power and the world at large.  Why was I limiting where the magic was happening. Here I had turned over most of my life to Higher Power, of which I had no understanding of, and when I wasn't so busy trying to control or manipulate my higher power, my life seemed to take on a magic of it's own. Like showing up for the 4th of July and laying back on the grass, enjoying the show. Really? Could life really be so simple? Just show up, do what was in front of me and get out of the way. Yes!!! Now if I could just do that all the time. But being the imperfect human being that I was trying so hard not to be, would often block the show, much like cloud cover in July. So the question then became, once you start down the path of self-realization how do continue forth, when the state of ignorance, constantly beckons you back? How does one see that magic, much like life has no containment. That bliss is a state onto itself. One practices showing up for life as aware as they can be.  As mindful and as conscious as you know. Only when I am showing up in this state can I become aware of unlimited bliss and joy, where magic is the constant and where each moment is the best moment possible.

                                                                             

Not Good Enough

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes 

but in having new eyes.
--Marcel Proust

 

 

Life is not easy. It would appear to that perhaps the easiest and most sheltered part of our journey, is the first 9 months spent in our mother's womb. From the moment we exit the chute, it is suffering from the onset. And then depending on our upbringing we can either be taught the tools to manage life or be subjugated to abuse, neglect and a life based on fear, rather than freedom. And since I can't speak about the experience of growing up in a loving nurturing home, I shall share on what I do know. 

I spent the first 38 years of my life in a blackout. Occasionally it feels like I can grab a piece of a memory from when I was a small child or a wounded teenager and then later a rebellious adult. What I do remember is the pain, both internally and externally. No child should ever be hurt that way. But the scars run deeper as we move further away from those long forgotten years. And they went deep. Deep under years of drinking, drugging and abusing others in a series of relationships that were both toxic and dis-respective to me and to others. And under all that sadistic and often brutal self hate and self abuse, under all that fear, laid at the core of my very being was fear. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of ____________, fill in the blank. Most people that may read this, will  more than likely know what I am talking about here. And the only way for me to drown out those insistent voices was with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol. Often I will say in 12 step meetings, that my drug of choice, was more. And towards the end, more, simply was not enough. Then a little under 12 years ago, I stood on the precipice of this insidious thinking and living, which was going to kill me. Or I could get clean and sober. I look back sometimes and think, and as grateful as I am for this incredible life of sobriety I have, death might have been a welcomed choice. After all take away the anesthesia  and what do you have left? Except, the further you get away from the pain, the deeper you feel it. It's like when you lose someone, you loved in your life, and you grieve them, but each time you lose someone else, it brings up, deeper levels of grief. And that's how it is with childhood abuse. You in fact are grieving someone you lost. Someone very close to you...YOU!!! 

And buried behind all that grief, are the symptoms of that grief. The anger, fear, sadness, guilt, SHAME...all of these influence and corrupt, my everyday thinking as an immature adult. While the initial damage is NOT my fault, the journey I walk today is my responsibility. So how do I cope with the grief of a lost and very fucked up childhood? Well for the first couple of years in my recovery I did start seeing a counselor, but often the pain was so deep and I wasn't capable of seeing the connections of abuse and how I behaved as an adult- that often I would just pick relationships that mirrored what I was familiar with. The same dynamics I grew up with. And it wasn't necessarily the women I pick who were at fault, we are just attracted to what we are most familiar with. And yet, we do nothing until our backs are up against the wall and the pain is greater than the payoff. And that time came around, my 10th year of recovery. Up to that time, I used work, sex, gambling, relationships and food, to not feel my feelings. And once again it almost took my life, except this time, I knew that death was not the answer. So it finally became painfully clear that there was but 2 choices; to go on the way I was living, or to embrace my fear and grief and walk through it finally.

Walking through grief sounds easy. Easier said most of the time than done. But having said that, it does get easier. And I have done that, by nurturing my spiritual growth by taking my meditation deeper, my prayer deeper, and a honest, rigorous self examination daily. Because see for me, those self hating voices that took me years to develop and perfect, simply do not go away over night. But what I have noticed is that they have lessened over these last couple of years and when they do pop up, I can access the situation with a kind, loving, compassionate heart and look to self forgiveness and vulnerability to be my guiding companions. I often find when I am hardest on myself, is when those voices that are the loudest, who are screaming I Am Not Good Enough, are the voices of the judge, jury and executioner. And who appointed them to their positions of power, it was I, who made them. And it is I, with the help of my tribe and companions who shall quiet them, till those voices are but a whisper. 

 

Coming to this level of acceptance has proven to be the most difficult part of my journey. Coping with the loss as deeply personal and painful as a traumatic and lost childhood—often takes deep courage and resilience. Nobody can help me go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that I am going through. But others will always be there for me and help comfort me through this process if I am willing to ask for help and guidance. The best thing I can do is to allow myself to feel the grief, the anger, the sadness as it comes and be brave, embrace my discomfort. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing. And I have come to far, to let my soul suffer unnecessarily any longer. 

The Madness of March

Through the Trees 1 (©Ziggy Robideaux)

"The soul cares not for the truth of the mind,

The soul cares only for the experience of Love, Joy and Bliss"

I sat at the Center for Spiritual Living  this morning contemplating the end of winter, the rebirth of spring, the joy of "March Madness" and how it is all a circuitously cycle of events, experience year after year.  I struggle with my love of college basketball. How can I strive for spiritual awareness and lose myself in 40 hours of the insanity of what is known as the March Madness. Perhaps it's because I see past or blissfully ignore how big colleges make the millions of dollars at the expense of college athletes. Never mind that kids are being scouted in jr. high school to be played in big name colleges and universities. A lot of these kids have opportunities to go to school, get an education, and then there is basketball. Granted most of these kids will never go pro. Only about 1% of college players go pro and only a small percentage more get a job playing overseas.So then what is all the madness around the Big Dance. It's 2 weeks where it is one game at a time to get to the next round , where Cinderella teams end up in the sweet 16 or the final four. For some of these guys winning the final will be there sport highlight of their lives. But those 2 weeks, the dreams, the dance and of course never knowing who will end up on the big stage and play in the final. So what does that have to do with spirituality? This is my life, except I don't play basketball, but I do play in this game called life. I feel so much bliss in the excitement of the game. Especially those games that are won in milliseconds at the end of the game. You know- where your driving down the court and the clock says 0.6 seconds and you fire from mid-court and the ball finds the net, a silent swoosh. I feel alive in that excitement, the opposite of my deepening meditation practice, where I work hard to quiet that current of excitement, that is constantly running through me. The current I call life. I am reading again "The Alchemist" by Paul Coelho and I read this last night. "...when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives everyday." My days are never the same, except in the fact that the sun rises and the sun sets, but even that happens differently, even if it by a minute in the beginning and the end of the day. And yet, with a focused meditation, my day is never the same. I refuse to let them be the same. So many good things happen in between the sunrise and sunset and I capture it all in a gratitude list, day after day.  I talked to my sister tonight, and mentioned I had been laid off in November, and she said she had no idea that I had been laid off. She said she couldn't tell by my Facebook posts. She said they were always positive. I like to keep it that way. It's true, that we all suffer. It's true we all have our own journey, but what energy do I want to choose to live in. What do I do to lean into my suffering, to embrace it, to see what it has to offer me, and then to let it go.

     What does my authentic life look like? I believe that my authentic life looks like how I participate in my souls life. And how do I actively participate and show up in this experience called life. First of all I embrace my freedom. In this freedom I can see my path and  I walk it through discernment. Discernment is grace. "Discernment: means the ability to see and understand people, things or situations clearly and intelligently." By practicing discernment I commit to the practice of spiritual wisdom. And spiritual wisdom is keeping things simple. When I make spirituality the focal point of my life, it keeps everything simple. I  can then keep my meditation simple, my work simple, my relationships simple, and my play simple. Why, because all of these things are in this large container I call spirit, a handbag or a backpack for my soul. It is simple when I just put everything into my spiritual practice. Work on a project, call in my soul to help with some infinite creativity. Want to paddle board in unknown water, call in my soul to tap into infinite joy and bliss. It's a simple formula, which becomes more and more powerful, the deeper and deeper I delve into what is possible. The universe is infinite and expanding and so are the possibilities. My only job is to follow my souls guidance- and my soul want to experience love, joy and bliss. So as I continue to delve deeper into consciousness, my responsibility is to continue to cultivate love and joy and share it with others. The more I share with others, the more I receive from the universe.  And that means to stop looking for shortcuts to joy. Joy can not be bought or sold at a fair market price. Nor can love or bliss.  To stop trying to beat the system, which tells me, I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not loveable enough. To participate in my life, means I show up everyday with a breath of gratitude for all the amazing things in my life. To appreciate what I have and the moments I share with like minded companions, and to see the Divine Consciousness in everything I see and in everyone I talked too. To be in alignment with my authentic self, my soul, means to find first and foremost-forgiveness for myself and to all those in my life, past and present. "A true act of forgiveness is a leap into mystical consciousness, an initiation into the Divine trust", Caroline Myss

     All I have to do is to take a leap of faith, drive down the court in the milliseconds of the dwindling game called life, throw the ball and have gratitude for playing the game whether the ball goes in or not. For this is the big stage called life, and it is a dance and I dance with love, joy and bliss that is called March Madness.

Through the Trees 2 (©Ziggy Robideaux)

Live Like Your Dying

Live like your dying... I heard those words echoing softly in the back of my mind that laid closest to the wet dank earth. Slowly I felt my lifeless body struggle to see anything, even the dying glow of the rocks that laid inches from my face. But the lodge was pitch black and I gave up trying to see anything, and returned to the arduous task of trying to slow my still pounding heartbeat. Moments before that, in that space, where time ceases to become existent and the space you lay in both expands and contracts all in the same cycle of breath- I came face to face with my own mortality. I could hear that voice in my head, screaming I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm fucking dying. And screaming back, NO!!!, it's not my time, I'm afraid, so afraid. Please don't let this be my dying prayer. And somewhere under all that screaming, I felt a soft loving voice, reminding me to embrace my fear, lean into your discomfort the voice said. And so I leaned in deeper. Why was I so afraid of my own mortality? As a culture we are taught to fear death. Maybe it's that feeling deep down inside, that I haven't accomplished enough, haven't had the lifetime relationship, didn't make enough money... I just wasn't enough. So somehow more time would make that all disappear. But yet as I laid there and reflected on my life lived thus far, how could I complain one bit about the choices I have thus made so far. Had not all the choices good, bad and indifferent lead me to that exact moment, laying in a sweat lodge, with my head laying on the ground, preparing myself to die. And in that quiet solitude, all I could think as my heart seemed to beat out of my chest, was "Have I really Lived my Life?" What do I do everyday to live my life to it's fullest? I believe I do the best I can, but sometimes I don't live to my fullest. I bitch and complain about not having this job, or that girlfriend. Forgetting that it all could be taken from me in a moment. It is hard to be mindful and conscious all the time. I want to come home and turn the TV on and checkout, on already watched reruns of Big Bang Theory. I want to sleep away my afternoons on beautiful days. I want someone to take care of me, so when it all goes wrong, I can blame it on you, and take no personal responsibility for my own life. What did I hear in that same podcast by Stefan Molyneux The Greatest Gift in the Universe,"Life is a meal you've made, enjoy what you cook." So do I enjoy what I have have made. I have free choice in everything I do today. The day I quit drinking and using, I begin to enjoy the freedom of choice, although I didn't recognize it at the time. So there I laid, thinking I am dying- when in fact, while I am doing the best I can in that moment I am not living life fully. I do work on being mindful and changing old behavior, but now I can be conscious of the choices I make everyday. The truth is for me, if I am just part of the Divine flow of consciousness, and my soul is as perfect now, as it was the day I was born and will be the same the day I die, then I get a choice in how to spend my time in this human form. My friend Dan reminded me the other night, that my only job here on planet earth is to experience love and joy, and since I believe that to be true, then I have to practice love, kindness, compassion, tolerance and many other wonderful characteristics. If I wish not to experience Love & Joy, then I can take the blue pill and go back to sleep. But I'd rather die with love and joy surrounded by my brothers and sisters in the family I have created here in this lifetime then sleep away another afternoon.

I am Present for my Experience

    Must be Present to Win
(Monarch Butterfly- Monterrey CA ©)

           Daylight Savings Time and I sigh a breath of relief. I love that the days get back to being longer in the evening. In the mornings, often before anyone else in the house is stirring, I go out for my morning cup of coffee and hear the signs of spring slowly awaken like myself. The deep heady aroma of the darkest coffee I can find, combined with the smell of American Spirits and the wet but crisp smell of the forest and of incoming spring, heighten my awareness of what I am waking up to. This slow and often pleasurable kind of awakening is just that. Slow and pleasurable. However not all awakenings in my life have been this way. But I will get to that.
           I have spent my whole life avoiding taking risks. Always preferring to take the high road, the safe road. I always wanted to know what the outcome would be, thus short circuiting any surprises, that might accidentally throw me off track. But it's not that simple. I don't think it has ever been that simple. In her book- "Entering the Castle "http://www.myss.com/features/castle/ Caroline Myss says; "It is not a simple matter to investigate the contents of your reality and to dismantle your myths, even when you know they are not true."  For me I have clinged to those beliefs with the fervor of a dying man. To fear what will happen if I release them or to acknowledge the fact that I still draw power from them, is quite the dilemma. It is what keeps me in a state of unconsciousness. I have always like doing, what was just enough to get me by. Just enough in a relationship, just enough in a job, just enough in life to maintain the status quo. I stayed in that static state for most of my adult life. And though my life seemed comfortable- something quietly seemed always just a little bit off. And although I reacted in full fear of releasing those inner demons, the power, oh the power I seeked and the power I expended, in my constant need for control.

My inner demons demanded that I give into the drug I called anger.   Slamming in into my veins, shoving it down my throat like the drugs and alcohol that consumed my life for so many years hiding the shame, fear and guilt, in which I so masterfully hide underneath my skin of charm, tattoo's and charisma. And after 10 years of not drinking and drugging, my inner life was still a fucked up conglomerated hunk of burning shit . The same shit that I was telling myself, the same fear I held on to, yet in the same breath used to fuel my anger was turning on me. And breaking me down. Years of telling myself the ultimate lie, that I was not enough. Not good enough, not beautiful enough, not loving enough, not lovable. These were the contents of my reality. Myths long passed on by generations created by self-hate and violence, against others and against ourselves.

Shadow of Brokenness(Monarch Butterfly- Monterrey CA ©)

  So when everything stopped working, I had to come to the proverbial rope that I was using to hang myself with, I had to make a decision- wake up or go back to the way life use to be. Go back to numbing the insufferable pain, go back to being homicidal or suicidal, go back to that moment just before I took my last drink and pull the trigger. So I started the slower, more painful state of awakening. Today I say I am grateful to be awakened, to be in the state of coming to. Today I know that when I take the risk of moving through my pain, moving through the grief, I release the bondage it has upon my soul. My very being, that is the divine spark within me. A child of the Universe, my birthright to being here. When I embrace the darker sides, long cultivated by those whose job was to protect and nurture me, I embrace, and release the pain and shame that I no longer need to use to negotiate my way through life. When I lean into my discomfort of waking up, I no longer need to look over my shoulder, keeping a constant watch for potential danger. Instead I can occupy myself with living in this existence, being present in this moment. I welcome the thrill of participating in my life today.  Today I welcome the opportunity to take a risk, to let go of what I think I know and believe about myself and trust what is happening in this moment.  Every moment is an opportunity in to be mindful and I trust that.

"REST" Monarch Butterfly- (Monterrey CA ©)

I have been a seeker my whole life. I know that now. And nothing can make me turn my back on what I know. Nothing could make me want to go back to what I never really wanted. Today I surround myself with like minded companions, who walk this path with me. Who encourage my journey and often model how I want to live my life, based on love, kindness and compassion for myself and for others.Today I yearn to be authentic, to be transparent, to be vulnerable.  I want to see and honor the Creative Spirit in everyone and everything, but first I must recognize and honor the Divine within myself, when I look in the mirror. One cannot give away, what one does not have. And I only have what is present in this moment, and in this moment I AM Present for this experience for this gift called life. I do Create my own Reality... we all do...what will you create?

"ONE" Monarch Butterfly- (Monterrey CA ©)

Mindful Change Little by Little

            

Where on God's green earth do I even begin. Hope? Hope is an interesting platitude. What does is mean really. It's not really a feeling. Is it a state of mind than?What is hope than? It's a noun and according to the dictionary it means; a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. Ask anyone on the street though and hope can mean many different things. For me, I suppose if I desire a certain thing to happen, or a certain thin to change, first I have to be aware of what needs changing, or what needs to happen. I sit back some days and watch my life like an old home movie. Sometimes it is in black & white and other day's it is in full HD Technicolor. I spent years chasing the dream I learned somewhere along the way. Like somewhere someone handed me an outdated manual that read something like; who am I? Why did I learn what I learned? Why did I get the parents I got? Why did I get the life I have. And last but not least, why can't I have the life I have? Well for starters I got the parents I got, they did what they could, for who they were, and I got to where I am because I woke up one day and had a moment of grace. Was it God, the Divine Spirit of the universe, Creative Spirit, was it I, who just had grown tired and gave up one night, after years of drinking, drugging and checking out in many other ways. Was it a combination of both and other factors, like an ex that loved me enough to say, your going to die, if you don't get some help. I believe it was all of that. And I as I continued to walk that path, I continue to seek out hope, an expectation and a strong desire for certain things to happen. And what I realized the other day when I was driving, was that I alone am capable of making that decision to modify and change my behavior. I can't help the cards I was dealt. The truth is so many of us are asleep or satisfied with the status quo in which this culture is steeped deep in shame, lack of vulnerability, guilt, abuse, neglect, addiction. Just turn on the TV or the radio, and those messages are played out thousands of times a day. So just the act of waking up, making a decision to behave different takes courage. I think we know inherently what love is, and how we behave contradictory to that. We have been raised that way, buy a culture of people, who were raised that way and so it goes back so many generations, and yet today I feel there is an awakening, I see it in my tribe and people all around me. And so much courage it takes to want a certain thing to happen or to change. I have a great desire deep within, deep on a soul level, to know I AM, rather then who am I? I seek a spiritual community to support my dreams, my hopes, my desires, my life.

Me, much like these prayer flags, though sometimes shredded, still fly strong in the wind. It's the cards I was dealt, that can be used to make a difference in anothers life. I just heard just now, do we need to teach parents how to parent, and what about those of us that have long ago walked away broken from our families of origin. Do we learn to re-parent ourselves. God I use to hate that term, same feeling arose in me, that would catch in my throat, when I would hear inner-child. But today I know that inner-child, that has laid dormant and asleep for so long, has awoken from her long slumber. She told me this morning as we walked hand in hand, it's not always a wonderful life, but she asked me how much longer was I willing to continue to carry the sins of my parents. She reminded me, to remember, that as children, we have this incredible gift of imagination, that most of the time was our saving grace, in unbearable situations. She reminded me, that part of me has also remained asleep, and that it was okay to wake the slumbering giant, known as my imagination.

And so I am willing to hope...

My Practice of Imperfection

So what have I been doing for the last couple of weeks you ask? Wearing my beanie cap and then practicing the art of imperfection. As you know when you put a beanie on in the morning, you either have to commit to wearing it all day or you have to live with beanie head. How uncomfortable I have been all week. But my affirmation almost everyday this week has been- " I embrace my imperfection, with love, kindness and compassion." So I guess this is where I cop to I have been a perfectionist my whole life. Thank you mom and dad for that little gift, that instead of elevating my life, it stifles my creativity if not downright inhibits it full potential for growth and full recognition of my own power. Let me explain. I have a idea, and sometimes it's an amazing idea at least in my own mind and soul. But being the perfectionist I am, I won't even write it down, because, as I am thinking about this brilliant idea, I am already thinking, no one will like it, people like everyone will think it's stupid, including me now. So then I start to pick apart my idea, looking for all the flaws and I find all of them and then plus some that I am sure other people will think of. And then if I can even start to lay out the wonderful idea, I can never perfect the end product. So why would I even start something I know that I can't finish because it's a stupid idea to begin with. Even as I write this, I am thinking, if a friend was sitting across the table from me, telling me this, what would I tell them if they asked me I thought it was a stupid idea. Would I tell them yes it was stupid, or would I encourage them with love, kindness and compassion to follow their dream, their ideas. And yet I refuse time after time to take my own advice. I can practice kindness and compassion for people around me or so I think I am, but am I as compassionate and as kind to people as I can be? I only ask this question because I, time after time can still be so unkind to myself. Now I will say, I have gotten better with this self-compassion stuff, since I have gotten sober, some 11 years ago, and in this last year even more so at the cost of a somewhat incredibly painful learning curve. And as I sit here watching one of my favorite movies ever (The Matrix), the lead character asks Neo if he would go back if he could? I got to be honest and say, I have thought about this very question many nights as I lay in bed, crying, letting go of this idea of being perfect and wishing in one hand I could go back to that state of ignorant bliss, and then on the other hand, knowing full well, that I would never go back to where I came from. I am slowly waking up, in my meditation first, and then as I try, doing the best I can, to walk a mindful path. It is a conscious decision I make every morning in my meditation, to carry with me, a sense of being compassionate , kind and mindful through out my day. What I have also start to recognize, is that I can not, I repeat I cannot be authentic, when I am trying to be a perfectionist.
As I told a friend of mine the other day, being authentic, is not a practice that comes naturally to me, it is something I must practice each day. And the only way I can do that, is to continue my practice of self-compassion, self-love, self-kindness and most important self-forgiveness, for without those key components, how can I possibly love completely unconditionally or forgive anyone completely. So today I am doing the best I can can do, and I do with my beanie cap hair.