Mindful Change Little by Little

            

Where on God's green earth do I even begin. Hope? Hope is an interesting platitude. What does is mean really. It's not really a feeling. Is it a state of mind than?What is hope than? It's a noun and according to the dictionary it means; a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. Ask anyone on the street though and hope can mean many different things. For me, I suppose if I desire a certain thing to happen, or a certain thin to change, first I have to be aware of what needs changing, or what needs to happen. I sit back some days and watch my life like an old home movie. Sometimes it is in black & white and other day's it is in full HD Technicolor. I spent years chasing the dream I learned somewhere along the way. Like somewhere someone handed me an outdated manual that read something like; who am I? Why did I learn what I learned? Why did I get the parents I got? Why did I get the life I have. And last but not least, why can't I have the life I have? Well for starters I got the parents I got, they did what they could, for who they were, and I got to where I am because I woke up one day and had a moment of grace. Was it God, the Divine Spirit of the universe, Creative Spirit, was it I, who just had grown tired and gave up one night, after years of drinking, drugging and checking out in many other ways. Was it a combination of both and other factors, like an ex that loved me enough to say, your going to die, if you don't get some help. I believe it was all of that. And I as I continued to walk that path, I continue to seek out hope, an expectation and a strong desire for certain things to happen. And what I realized the other day when I was driving, was that I alone am capable of making that decision to modify and change my behavior. I can't help the cards I was dealt. The truth is so many of us are asleep or satisfied with the status quo in which this culture is steeped deep in shame, lack of vulnerability, guilt, abuse, neglect, addiction. Just turn on the TV or the radio, and those messages are played out thousands of times a day. So just the act of waking up, making a decision to behave different takes courage. I think we know inherently what love is, and how we behave contradictory to that. We have been raised that way, buy a culture of people, who were raised that way and so it goes back so many generations, and yet today I feel there is an awakening, I see it in my tribe and people all around me. And so much courage it takes to want a certain thing to happen or to change. I have a great desire deep within, deep on a soul level, to know I AM, rather then who am I? I seek a spiritual community to support my dreams, my hopes, my desires, my life.

Me, much like these prayer flags, though sometimes shredded, still fly strong in the wind. It's the cards I was dealt, that can be used to make a difference in anothers life. I just heard just now, do we need to teach parents how to parent, and what about those of us that have long ago walked away broken from our families of origin. Do we learn to re-parent ourselves. God I use to hate that term, same feeling arose in me, that would catch in my throat, when I would hear inner-child. But today I know that inner-child, that has laid dormant and asleep for so long, has awoken from her long slumber. She told me this morning as we walked hand in hand, it's not always a wonderful life, but she asked me how much longer was I willing to continue to carry the sins of my parents. She reminded me, to remember, that as children, we have this incredible gift of imagination, that most of the time was our saving grace, in unbearable situations. She reminded me, that part of me has also remained asleep, and that it was okay to wake the slumbering giant, known as my imagination.

And so I am willing to hope...

My Practice of Imperfection

So what have I been doing for the last couple of weeks you ask? Wearing my beanie cap and then practicing the art of imperfection. As you know when you put a beanie on in the morning, you either have to commit to wearing it all day or you have to live with beanie head. How uncomfortable I have been all week. But my affirmation almost everyday this week has been- " I embrace my imperfection, with love, kindness and compassion." So I guess this is where I cop to I have been a perfectionist my whole life. Thank you mom and dad for that little gift, that instead of elevating my life, it stifles my creativity if not downright inhibits it full potential for growth and full recognition of my own power. Let me explain. I have a idea, and sometimes it's an amazing idea at least in my own mind and soul. But being the perfectionist I am, I won't even write it down, because, as I am thinking about this brilliant idea, I am already thinking, no one will like it, people like everyone will think it's stupid, including me now. So then I start to pick apart my idea, looking for all the flaws and I find all of them and then plus some that I am sure other people will think of. And then if I can even start to lay out the wonderful idea, I can never perfect the end product. So why would I even start something I know that I can't finish because it's a stupid idea to begin with. Even as I write this, I am thinking, if a friend was sitting across the table from me, telling me this, what would I tell them if they asked me I thought it was a stupid idea. Would I tell them yes it was stupid, or would I encourage them with love, kindness and compassion to follow their dream, their ideas. And yet I refuse time after time to take my own advice. I can practice kindness and compassion for people around me or so I think I am, but am I as compassionate and as kind to people as I can be? I only ask this question because I, time after time can still be so unkind to myself. Now I will say, I have gotten better with this self-compassion stuff, since I have gotten sober, some 11 years ago, and in this last year even more so at the cost of a somewhat incredibly painful learning curve. And as I sit here watching one of my favorite movies ever (The Matrix), the lead character asks Neo if he would go back if he could? I got to be honest and say, I have thought about this very question many nights as I lay in bed, crying, letting go of this idea of being perfect and wishing in one hand I could go back to that state of ignorant bliss, and then on the other hand, knowing full well, that I would never go back to where I came from. I am slowly waking up, in my meditation first, and then as I try, doing the best I can, to walk a mindful path. It is a conscious decision I make every morning in my meditation, to carry with me, a sense of being compassionate , kind and mindful through out my day. What I have also start to recognize, is that I can not, I repeat I cannot be authentic, when I am trying to be a perfectionist.
As I told a friend of mine the other day, being authentic, is not a practice that comes naturally to me, it is something I must practice each day. And the only way I can do that, is to continue my practice of self-compassion, self-love, self-kindness and most important self-forgiveness, for without those key components, how can I possibly love completely unconditionally or forgive anyone completely. So today I am doing the best I can can do, and I do with my beanie cap hair.