I am Present for my Experience

    Must be Present to Win
(Monarch Butterfly- Monterrey CA ©)

           Daylight Savings Time and I sigh a breath of relief. I love that the days get back to being longer in the evening. In the mornings, often before anyone else in the house is stirring, I go out for my morning cup of coffee and hear the signs of spring slowly awaken like myself. The deep heady aroma of the darkest coffee I can find, combined with the smell of American Spirits and the wet but crisp smell of the forest and of incoming spring, heighten my awareness of what I am waking up to. This slow and often pleasurable kind of awakening is just that. Slow and pleasurable. However not all awakenings in my life have been this way. But I will get to that.
           I have spent my whole life avoiding taking risks. Always preferring to take the high road, the safe road. I always wanted to know what the outcome would be, thus short circuiting any surprises, that might accidentally throw me off track. But it's not that simple. I don't think it has ever been that simple. In her book- "Entering the Castle "http://www.myss.com/features/castle/ Caroline Myss says; "It is not a simple matter to investigate the contents of your reality and to dismantle your myths, even when you know they are not true."  For me I have clinged to those beliefs with the fervor of a dying man. To fear what will happen if I release them or to acknowledge the fact that I still draw power from them, is quite the dilemma. It is what keeps me in a state of unconsciousness. I have always like doing, what was just enough to get me by. Just enough in a relationship, just enough in a job, just enough in life to maintain the status quo. I stayed in that static state for most of my adult life. And though my life seemed comfortable- something quietly seemed always just a little bit off. And although I reacted in full fear of releasing those inner demons, the power, oh the power I seeked and the power I expended, in my constant need for control.

My inner demons demanded that I give into the drug I called anger.   Slamming in into my veins, shoving it down my throat like the drugs and alcohol that consumed my life for so many years hiding the shame, fear and guilt, in which I so masterfully hide underneath my skin of charm, tattoo's and charisma. And after 10 years of not drinking and drugging, my inner life was still a fucked up conglomerated hunk of burning shit . The same shit that I was telling myself, the same fear I held on to, yet in the same breath used to fuel my anger was turning on me. And breaking me down. Years of telling myself the ultimate lie, that I was not enough. Not good enough, not beautiful enough, not loving enough, not lovable. These were the contents of my reality. Myths long passed on by generations created by self-hate and violence, against others and against ourselves.

Shadow of Brokenness(Monarch Butterfly- Monterrey CA ©)

  So when everything stopped working, I had to come to the proverbial rope that I was using to hang myself with, I had to make a decision- wake up or go back to the way life use to be. Go back to numbing the insufferable pain, go back to being homicidal or suicidal, go back to that moment just before I took my last drink and pull the trigger. So I started the slower, more painful state of awakening. Today I say I am grateful to be awakened, to be in the state of coming to. Today I know that when I take the risk of moving through my pain, moving through the grief, I release the bondage it has upon my soul. My very being, that is the divine spark within me. A child of the Universe, my birthright to being here. When I embrace the darker sides, long cultivated by those whose job was to protect and nurture me, I embrace, and release the pain and shame that I no longer need to use to negotiate my way through life. When I lean into my discomfort of waking up, I no longer need to look over my shoulder, keeping a constant watch for potential danger. Instead I can occupy myself with living in this existence, being present in this moment. I welcome the thrill of participating in my life today.  Today I welcome the opportunity to take a risk, to let go of what I think I know and believe about myself and trust what is happening in this moment.  Every moment is an opportunity in to be mindful and I trust that.

"REST" Monarch Butterfly- (Monterrey CA ©)

I have been a seeker my whole life. I know that now. And nothing can make me turn my back on what I know. Nothing could make me want to go back to what I never really wanted. Today I surround myself with like minded companions, who walk this path with me. Who encourage my journey and often model how I want to live my life, based on love, kindness and compassion for myself and for others.Today I yearn to be authentic, to be transparent, to be vulnerable.  I want to see and honor the Creative Spirit in everyone and everything, but first I must recognize and honor the Divine within myself, when I look in the mirror. One cannot give away, what one does not have. And I only have what is present in this moment, and in this moment I AM Present for this experience for this gift called life. I do Create my own Reality... we all do...what will you create?

"ONE" Monarch Butterfly- (Monterrey CA ©)