Live Like Your Dying

Live like your dying... I heard those words echoing softly in the back of my mind that laid closest to the wet dank earth. Slowly I felt my lifeless body struggle to see anything, even the dying glow of the rocks that laid inches from my face. But the lodge was pitch black and I gave up trying to see anything, and returned to the arduous task of trying to slow my still pounding heartbeat. Moments before that, in that space, where time ceases to become existent and the space you lay in both expands and contracts all in the same cycle of breath- I came face to face with my own mortality. I could hear that voice in my head, screaming I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm fucking dying. And screaming back, NO!!!, it's not my time, I'm afraid, so afraid. Please don't let this be my dying prayer. And somewhere under all that screaming, I felt a soft loving voice, reminding me to embrace my fear, lean into your discomfort the voice said. And so I leaned in deeper. Why was I so afraid of my own mortality? As a culture we are taught to fear death. Maybe it's that feeling deep down inside, that I haven't accomplished enough, haven't had the lifetime relationship, didn't make enough money... I just wasn't enough. So somehow more time would make that all disappear. But yet as I laid there and reflected on my life lived thus far, how could I complain one bit about the choices I have thus made so far. Had not all the choices good, bad and indifferent lead me to that exact moment, laying in a sweat lodge, with my head laying on the ground, preparing myself to die. And in that quiet solitude, all I could think as my heart seemed to beat out of my chest, was "Have I really Lived my Life?" What do I do everyday to live my life to it's fullest? I believe I do the best I can, but sometimes I don't live to my fullest. I bitch and complain about not having this job, or that girlfriend. Forgetting that it all could be taken from me in a moment. It is hard to be mindful and conscious all the time. I want to come home and turn the TV on and checkout, on already watched reruns of Big Bang Theory. I want to sleep away my afternoons on beautiful days. I want someone to take care of me, so when it all goes wrong, I can blame it on you, and take no personal responsibility for my own life. What did I hear in that same podcast by Stefan Molyneux The Greatest Gift in the Universe,"Life is a meal you've made, enjoy what you cook." So do I enjoy what I have have made. I have free choice in everything I do today. The day I quit drinking and using, I begin to enjoy the freedom of choice, although I didn't recognize it at the time. So there I laid, thinking I am dying- when in fact, while I am doing the best I can in that moment I am not living life fully. I do work on being mindful and changing old behavior, but now I can be conscious of the choices I make everyday. The truth is for me, if I am just part of the Divine flow of consciousness, and my soul is as perfect now, as it was the day I was born and will be the same the day I die, then I get a choice in how to spend my time in this human form. My friend Dan reminded me the other night, that my only job here on planet earth is to experience love and joy, and since I believe that to be true, then I have to practice love, kindness, compassion, tolerance and many other wonderful characteristics. If I wish not to experience Love & Joy, then I can take the blue pill and go back to sleep. But I'd rather die with love and joy surrounded by my brothers and sisters in the family I have created here in this lifetime then sleep away another afternoon.