"Subject To Change"

2011-11-03T07:17:00.000-07:00

"Am I willing to Pass up Something Good for Something Great"

I posted this question the other day on Facebook in hopes that someone would share with me they're experience' to tell me I am not the only one who does this. Some would say, what is wrong with good? I say there is nothing wrong with good, but why am I so afraid of what is great? I have like so many others been comfortable in the "Good". Only to look back and wonder why I have always been so willing to settle for less then what I wanted or desired? I sat in the quiet darkness this morning after being unable to sleep, listening to the quiet, that only the darkness can offer. I asked the Divine Spirit that very question. I had someone tell me sometime ago that I deserved to be the prize, so again I asked the Divine Spirit what was that suppose to look like. I could her hear her laugh gently at me, saying so quietly with a voice you can only hear with your heart, if you could only see what I see. So I sat quietly with that for a moment, stepping outside of myself to try and see what the Divine Spirit was seeing in me at that moment. What did I see? I saw an imperfect and sometime fragile, sometimes strong woman, who fears her own greatness...who has for whatever reasons, whatever lessons were presented choose to go for safe, rather then taking a risk...always settling for the "good" because it has always been safe, rather the the great...the great would mean taking a risk in believing the words I chant on my prayer beads every morning...I am love...I am worthy...I am kind...and to believe that I am meant to do great things with my life. I was asked the other day what it looked like to completely surrender to the Divine Spirit's will for me and I said I didn't know. I was told that I would know when it happened...and I feel that in the quiet this morning I felt that light of surrender...everything I have done in my life has lead me to this moment of surrendering. I had a friend email me this morning two simple words and they were "No Fear". I wanted to ask her what did that look like to her? Instead I turned the question inward and the answer I heard was by being true to myself, accepting that everything is exactly how it is suppose to be at this moment, and to surrender to what lies within me. The truth is sometimes I am a lost little girl stuck in the middle, of wanting that which brings physical comfort, for what is wrong with that? And that of taking the plunge into the depths of spiritual awareness and consciousnesses. What does that mean? I heard the term contrary action the other day and it reminded me of a friend who many years ago tell me to do contrary action. Contrary action meaning to do the exact opposite of what I was thinking. I want on the surface what everyone else wants. Ignorance is bliss, and consciousnesses is a bitch. It means on a spiritual level doing the right thing. Which is to come from the heart. I do get scared, I don't want to fall down, I don't want to get hurt, I want to know that it is all going to turn out great in the end and mostly I want what I want and I want it when I want it. I have always thought my timeline was better then the Divine Spirit's timeline. I don't always want to do the right thing and that it's okay, but now days most of the time I do. I am by no means perfect in anyway, shape or form. But it's by seeing my imperfections, by realizing that because I am willing to continue to trust the path I have been awakened to, that by accepting this truth about myself, that perhaps this is the key to willingness~ to admit my fear and to walk through it anyway. That which I want at the end of the day on a deeper sometime unconscious level is what everybody wants, which is to know that I loved the best I could with all of who I am and what I have and to know that I was loved, if only by me...to know I am worthy of not only the Divine Spirit's love and plans for me, but to also know that the Divine Spirit dwells in me as me. My same friend in a separate conversation said to me Life is rarely Simple. After sitting quietly this morning I would say to her, I don't think that's true...I think life is simple, it is I that complicates it by getting in the way of what the Divine Spirit wants for me...If I truly could get out of my own way and surrender and believe that which is true in my heart...then and only then will I stand in the light of my own greatness and know that I can pass up something good, for something great...

2011-10-31T10:43:00.000-07:00

Stormy Days raging away...

When did my insides start to be reflected by pictures of the outside?
Stop...
Sometimes that which makes us chaotic is the catalyst for change. Why even go down the road in search of the Divine or whatever greater truth drives us when it lays within and always has. What fears keep us from wanting the greater truths revealed to us, those we choose to ignore in pursuit of material happiness, thinking the key lies in the safety of a warm home, a job that somewhat satiates the accumulation of stuff, a partner in bed at night that keeps us from being alone with our thoughts and feelings.
Stop...
What is fear? Why am I afraid and of what...who...myself? I am so afraid of my greatness as part of the Divine spirit that I choose to focus on that which lays outside of me. Thinking all that which I thought would make me happy in fact leads me to sit quietly in meditation, fantasizing about things I am not or cannot be, that which no longer serves me except in my waking hours, living a life that would not be me or contaplating the missing piece and how do I surrender to that?
Stop...
Listen to sound of the coming storm which rages inside...pleading to follow my heart...that sound which is crashing down upon me...I can't spell it out for you when your truth is your truth alone...it is never that simple...life is never that simple...we are never that simple. I choose to complicate my life with thoughts of what I can't have, even when in my imperfect mind, I see what I want as perfection. Who am I? Who are you? And what is it I have to learn from you? And you from me?
Stop...
In the storm of my mind I have created the vision of a perfect love, a perfect life, a perfect day... in the calmness of my heart...I am where I am and who I am...I too am a student on this journey called life...learning as I go along...knowing like all of us, what I think, what I say and what I do can and does make a difference, if only in the confines of my expanding heart...

2010-11-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

Has so much time gone by...

How does time slip away from someone who spends her time constantly trying to go faster, get things done quicker?

It's been over a year since I last wrote- another wheel has turned, and my life once again is in upheaval. School has passed, a job in which I got to experience both sides of the colorful spectrum known as employment, and a relationship where I not only got to experience both the love and joy of a beautiful woman, but also how much work I need to do to fix what was broken and taken from me as a young child growing up in very dysfunctional home.

I asked myself a few days after this break-up, "Self" what's the whole point? I sat with that in my self created misery, trying to hurry up and see the whole picture. Not even stopping to see the bigger picture, but I wanted to know what the whole goddamn point was. I was pretty mad at god and his/her whole universe. Why was life treating me so unfair. Why did god put someone in my life so amazingly beautiful to only have love once again keep me at an arms length...why would I get this amazing opportunity to have what could have been such a great job only for it to turn out to be a bunch of fucking nut jobs. And now I am suppose to be so grateful for having a job making half of what I was making throwing peoples packages around. I was just so fucking pissed at god- telling god in my still morning meditation that I thought gods plan was way more fucked up then mine. And then a few mornings ago, when I was able to sit still long enough, and when I cried why from the heart I heard in the smallest voice- because I love you and from when our pain is the greatest in our darkest hour- only then are we in a place of greatest surrender where we can be open and ready to grow in our spiritual journey. I still don't know what god's plan is for me or why I had to have love only to lose love, or why the incredibly great job turned out to be so cuckoo, but when I sit still long enough to remember how happy I was rather then reflect on sad on I can be, I get through another 24 hours on this journey called life.

2009-10-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

Ah~Ha Moment 3

For what it's worth I believe in all sense of the word love, thereby I believe that's what led me to ah~ha number 3. So I sat with a good friend of mine yesterday watching her go through what were her trials and tribulations that we all must experience in their various lessons. Although our lessons are as different as we are, we operate as my gracious friend reminded out of two places and two places only. Love or fear. Now this is nothing new on me for I have heard this from numerous friends, sponsors, loved ones over the last million years, but as we know no matter how many times we hear it with our ears we never get it if we don't listen with our hearts. Through a course of conversations with this beautiful soul I revealed what I believe those closest to me already know and what I also know -is that I am full of fear. Fear of not being enough, having enough, good enough,hot enough,caring...loving...I can fill in the blank with so many not enoughs. And I realized that it manifests in my life as that constant insecurity of asking for constant reassurance from my loved ones and anyone willing enough to listen to the bullshit long enough to answer half ass truthfully. If the answer is yes to all of those above questions,if I can't answer them myself to my own content how can I possibley expect anyone to step up to the plate and give to me what I can't or won't even give myself. Perhaps listening yesterday with that open heart as opposed to an open mind led me to that ah~ha moment driving 60mph on 405 s thinking life does not come with a road map or a tom-tom (or what I refer to in my own twisted mind-a zigzig...)or even a manuel or starter directions. I believe that we get to experience opportunities to continue writing our own map. Perhaps having that realization driving 60 mph was almost enough to slam on the brakes in the middle of the freeway. It was hard not to cry as I resisted that urge to slam on the brakes-but what I felt and knew to be true in my heart was this. If we truly operate out of 2 places that being love or fear then surely as it was true that I operate (and not so comfortably anymore) in fear then what was the connection. And what I heard in and with all of my heart was this...if ego is fear masqueraded then if the opposite of fear is love then what is love. Seemingly simple the answer is source. Whatever I choose to call that source be it God,Buddha,higher power...again fill in the blank. But whatever was in the blank is truly love. Perhaps this is what I understood the most- If fear/ego is always afraid of not having,being good enough then you are never going to be____ enough,have enough_____ and will always want more and more only never to be be satisfied. However let go of fear/ego and connect with love & source then I will always be_____ enough, have enough_____ and I am thinking if this line of thinking is true to love and source then you will have,be... exceed everything you thought possible or even dreamed possible.And I am willing to try that after all what do I have to lose-my ego???

2009-09-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

Subject to Change

So what is it that inspires us to stay the same or are we truly motivated by the perceived depth of our own individual pain. I heard once that we are only motivated to change once our backs are up against the wall and the pain is greater then the payoff. Why, is my question this morning? I sit and look at what is my life and what it is that I would change most about it. And the one answer I have at this moment is how I interact in all my relationships. Good, bad or indifferent. I know we all have things that we like or dislike about ourselves. Sometimes they are on the outside, such as I wish my finances were different, or I wish I had a different job or a different body, different partner, different car. We could add to this list ad infinitum. But what I am talking about here is the internal workings. My thoughts and my deeds. I have to seek outside help now because I can't deal with how I handle some people and or situations. The old ways of behaving no longer work for me and I am not sure that they worked before or perhaps they did in my shallow human mind. But they don't work in my heart today. I have had 2 situations lately where my behavior is not matching up with how I want to walk in this world. So how do I change these thoughts? How do I change these behaviors? This has been the burning question maybe for most of us. I know it has been for me. Oh I have heard so many suggestions- but as I sat in my morning meditation imagining the moon rising or sinking I thought that perhaps I am not suppose to be perfect-that I like all the rest of the world, am subject to fuck up, to grow up, to learn from all that I do. I like the rest of the world have the power today to subject myself to change. My choice is whether I am willing to sit still long enough to look at what needs to be changes or am I willing stay the same. What is the saying: "Insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results". And by staying the same am I willing to continue to deal with the same results. Then what would I have to offer the world, my friends, my relationships- a lesson on how not to be? Not what I want to be-it's not what I think God wants me to be. So for now I am willing to change-to become all that I am suppose to be- "Happy, Joyous and Free" ...

2009-06-26T06:47:00.001-07:00

In Passing

(to my friend Brian who passed in June 2006)

Okay it is not in my nature to write anything about anybody other then myself but I feel compelled to write about the passing of two famous people. One who was very famous the other to be overshadow by this goliath of a mega-super star. One who made billions, and was constantly locked in his own house, virtually a prisoner of himself. How incredibly sad-so much he could have taught us in life but now lessons only to be learned in his death. The other-will only be remembered by a few-those perhaps closest to her and by a few others. She also had so much to show us- how to be graceful even when facing the inevitable, which we all have to do. How do we wish the world to see us and how do we leave our imprints not only to those closest to us but upon the world? These two amazing beings perhaps leaving before their time can at least show me how I choose to walk in the world.Maybe it's to early and the coffee hasn't settled in but I do think Farrah for all of her outer beauty showed us that the true measure of beauty comes from the inside. I was watching the Barbara Walters special last night and what her friends and loved ones were sharing actually moved me to tears...what I could gather was this-that fear is often our biggest advisory, that for some if not most of us we are controlled by our fears-truly never letting go but rather letting our lives being dictated by fear and leading us in directions not true to who we are. Farrah said at one point what is the worse thing that could happen? We fail...so what, we pick ourselves up and start again. Micheal of course proved to us what happens when we are so unhappy with who we are on the inside that we will go to any length to change the outside to make the insides feel better. But in the end he too was controlled by his own inner demons ended up a prisoner in his own self created delusional playground. This too has been true of me. The stories of my own hellish upbringing ringed close to home listening to interviews done of Micheal last night. I too strive sometimes to change my outside apperance- as I still sometimes think if I only work out harder or tan more , or make more money or I could fill in the blank with what kind of external happiness would just make me feel better on the inside. And at the end of the night when I lay in bed alone how do I look back upon my day. Do I want it to look like I faced my fears and walked confidently in the world or do I continue always doing what I have always done -which is to let my life be ruled by my own internal fears looking outside of myself orto other people or things for the internal fix.

2009-06-24T07:55:00.001-07:00

Epiphany

I had a great epiphany yesterday- what if it is just the child and I...
I keep thinking there is something wrong with me...but there isn't...the child loves me, my friends love me, I even love myself today. I think god is a little screwed up or the universe is...I keep hearing love is the answer that it always finds a way....oh its the song I keep listening to. Never mind...So what was the epiphany? I kept trying to understand yesterday as I sat at the lake watching rebos play why I still attract unavailable women into my life...this makes me terribly sad as I wonder if on some level I feel as if I have something to protect-could it be my heart? Am I that fucking damaged? I spent a bit of yesterday after my best friend gave me a spiritual reaming the night before- about asking the universe for what I want. How is it I can believe with all of my being that "love is the answer" and still attract that what I do. As I sat thinking on the lakes bank that my life is better today then it has ever been- that I still believe that on some level maybe I am not worthy or some spiritual woo-woo bullshit that since my parents were unavailable I just have carried that into my now still sometimes struggling adult self. How do you reconcile this bullshit....it's all just a fucking illusion anyway-isn't it....sometimes it felt easier being in a blackout-didn't have to worry about this stupid shit...so if my parents were not really available, god knows I am not- why with working all the time, trying to start my own business, going to school full time-why would the universe put anyone in my life that might be available- I just always thought I could just make time if it was that important-maybe my priorities are skewed. Somedays I just wish I could pack everything up and go to Italy or wherever-but I just have this sneaky feeling kind of like wanting to move back to California that I would get there and still just have me at the end of the night.Go figure eh...Could be worse I suppose...I guess today I just still have to act as if...but what is the if...there is a bigger plan that I am not privy to...whatever god....
and then when I can get quiet enough this is what I hear
Open up your mind
Open up your heart
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find a way
Open up your mind

2009-06-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

Cosmos, Reality, Transcendence~

What is in the symbol? The "Mobius" represents infinity; no beginning~no ending. Why do I wear it? As I sat this morning rummaging through the sordid memories of my life avoiding what I should be doing, I kept coming back to this one simple thought. Nothing matters and it all matters. This is the craziness of the the mobius- its 2 dimensional form in a four dimensional world. As I sit listening to music this morning I can't help but think about all the things I consider to be important and how in the bigger picture how really unimportant they really are. I wake in the mornings letting my inner demons run my chaotic life- rather then peacefully strolling in this incredible journey we get to be on. How is it to be oh so human in a world full of two dimension thinking. Good/Bad...Right/Wrong...Black/White...oh to broaden my horizons, to expand my thinking into the cosmos...and still I struggle with daily traffic and thoughts of what my role is in this sometimes fucked-up world. How do I transcend out of the ordinary into the extraordinary- to attract likeness and well-being. I know there is more to this game then flesh and bones...that something deeper struggles to break free to the surface of reality or what I perceive to be reality. Maybe my only role is to just be...to bring about peace is to walk in peace in my own awareness of love, light, and joy and that is four dimensional believing.

2009-05-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

Magic Carpet Ride....
You don't know what we will find, why don't you come with me little girl on a magic carpet ride...
Ah yes-magic carpet as only found in Monterey Ca. I just came back thoroughly convinced that I was so soon going to return, as sure as I would take my next breath was I. But today as I sat at home crashing emotionally after sleeping 11 hours-not so sure. For all my bravado, I can still be a scared little girl trying to figure out my way in this big, big world. I am just a vistor here somedays-forgetting that. What if this was my last moment here? Would I have lived the very best life I could, loving all that I could...being truthful, compassionate, loving...Like living in just the moment-being happy right where I am at this moment-instead of always believing that happiness lays outside of some great unreachable realm. If only I was doing this I would be the happiest I could be...or if I was living there instead of here I would be oh so happy...and here is my favorite-if I was with her or her or him....my life would be complete and I would be the happiest I have ever been...granted some of those things do make life more interesting but I am always running on such high octane that I rarely slow down to enjoy the ride. to enjoy my visit to Monterey...not that I didn't enjoy it...but I never stopped long enough when I got back to enjoy the magic that I had experienced-hell I rarely stop long enough to enjoy any magic of any given day or magical moment. and on and on it goes...no wonder some days we feel like checking out.
I was talking with a friend of mine last week and she posed the question when do we stop surviving? Today I say....I am tired of hitting the brick wall doing 90...my fucking head always hurts afterwards...one day when I look back I want to say what an incredible ride-I am glad I stopped long enough to be a willing partcipant rather then the observer...

2009-02-07T07:13:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes You Have to Drive to be Lost"

Imagine just getting into your car and driving just because you can. If you're anything like me, when my life gets seemingly complicated and it's always by my own doing-I am usually left to one of two options- sleep or drive. One method leaves me unconscious in the ability to be an active part of the solution, the other well at least part of me is moving. Thus Wednesday morning started like all the other mornings for the last 2 weeks-up at 3 a.m.(can't figure out what is going on with the internal clock) anyway after reading my daily meditation which talked about life being like a mountain, sometimes rough and craggy and something about valleys of darkness and sunlight I like any other person who can twist things to justify any kind of behavior I am getting ready to act out on read into that: I have a test today, in which I have absolutely not study for...it's suppose to be almost 60 and beautiful today....hmmmmm rather then sitting in class resenting the fact that I am sitting in a classroom, taking a test I know I am going to fail-I think I will drive to the mountains. And after dropping my friend off at the airport thats exactly what I did. Off to the mountains I went with the black dog in tow. However as I was driving it occured to me that perhaps I would have better luck in resolving my inner conflict with life and such if I went and meditated at the ocean. Two and a half hours later I texted a picture to a friend standing on the shores of Ocean Shores-wondering wtf was I doing? It was cold and void of anyone except for Rebos and I. True happiness I know is watching the love of your life running full speed at you stopping short of barriling into you with a look of utter happiness for the abaility to run for miles with no leash or restraints. So if driving 5 hours round trip for that one look of utter joy then my day was worth it. But we continue on the highway north, stopping in one of my favorite places to nap (Mo Clips). Nothing says time for a nap then driving up on the beach, opening the sunroof and falling asleep to the sound of the ocean. After my nap off I continued to the rain forests of Quinault (and as my friend pointed out-yes I did get around that day). This was the ah-ha moment of the trip. So here I kept thinking (expectations) that I would get to the beach-have a little conversation with god and my life would be all better....but no. There I am driving on the Mo Clips highway driving,driving,driving not seeing any other cars for miles and it is absolutely stunning. The trees are bare a little snow here and there and the Olympic mountain range in front of me and I started to stress out thinking my car would break down (it wouldn't start back in Ocean Shores) and I would be stranded out in the middle of no where because it has been 15 miles and I still han't seen another car...finally I hit the main highway again and as I was driving that was the ah-ha....Sometimes even though we feel lost it really is only an illusion- and that if you allow yourself to be caught in the fear then you panic and do feel out of control. But stay in faith and all roads always lead back to the main road. When we live in fear of feeling lost we lose sight of all the things that surrond us in their beauty and that by having faith we continue to stay in the moment enjoying life for all that it has to offer-never missing the smallest thing that might bring us infinete joy. As I got to Lake Quinault gazing up at the worlds largest spruce tree I was reminded of my just how much growing that I still had to do-but also knowing the world's largest spruce tree did not get to be that size over night and neither do I. I get to have this experience called life and today I choose to have a conscienous part in how it is shaped while trusting the universe knowing that I am on the path-not right,not wrong...just on my journey and how blessed it is.

2009-01-21T06:33:00.000-08:00

Oh the glorious sun...
No wonder I was a bit on the cranky side yesterday...I spent 2 beautiful days on the beaches of the oh so far away land of Alki. Sunday now I will tell you one of those days you wish you could capture in all of its wonder-wanting to replay it over and over in your head like some amateur home video-knowing maybe you and one other person will get it. It's the beauty of home video you know. What more could a girl want then 2 black dogs, one very attractive grrl and when I could close my eyes for as long as 10 seconds it felt like a beautiful late spring/early summer day. You know those ones I am talking about-usually don't happen till May. So this day in essance was a tease. All the way around. Not even close enough to May, still went home with one dog, and not quite sure what to do with how I feel about the grrl. Yesterday I kept closing my eyes feeling this burning image in my mind-hoping that its warmth would lift the chilly dampness seeping through my clothes- and yet when I would open my eyes the fog remained. Fog is a funny thing-and somehow it seemed to be a reflection of my thoughts and actions yesterday. I felt weighed down suddenly by everything, letting everything pull me down. And still I would grab on to that image and hold on once again closing my eyes and feel the burning rays upon my skin.
Sunday-one of those days where you feel that if there was anywhere else you could be that you would be exactly where it is you are as if only you and that one other person were the only two that mattered in that moment.
So on Monday as I sat going crazy in my house trying to figure out what the hell was going on in my suddenly seeming one track mind I grabbed my camera and once again made the trek to those beautiful far-away beaches of Alki. Wandering the same path I did the day before I had time to sit and observe not only the beauty surronding me on the outside but that coming from the inside. I always find it to be a thing of beauty and wonder when we connect with other people who can bring out the best in us even if it is in thought. And the thing is they don't even know it. I am blessed today and my life is a bounty of incredible gifts. I wouldn't trade this moment or any for anything different. As I sat watching the sun set-wishing the grrl and the dogs were there I thought to myself- relationships are like photography to me- I never know what I am looking for but I always know when I see it. The gift I get is that the picture never looks the same on the tiny monitor of the camera and I never know how it is going to turn out. So capture the moment, feel it burn when you close your eyes and keep your eyes open for the next moment.

2008-11-16T13:28:00.001-08:00

"What do We Want"

When do we want it?
What a day yesterday-it was absolutely beautiful as I arrived with my new friend Kyle up at Volunteer Park long before the masses starting getting there. I wanted to see how this would take shape. As I walk around watching a handful of dedicated people helping set up I couldn't help drifting back to the first time I went to San Fransisco-god I hadn't even come out yet-I was barely 20. I want to
say it was January 1984-for some reason I always thought it had something to do with Dan While- now for those of you don't know who Dan White was here is the link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_White
ah this guy was truly a nut case so to speak...
Anyway here I was going to San Fransisco for the first time and there were pissed off queers everywhere...it was amazing...nothing like the riots that had happened a couple of years before that-but none the less still amazing to be around...now granted it took another 6 months for me to truly come out but I am forever grateful for that experience. And until yesterday I had forgotten what it was like to want to be a part of such an important part of history. So many young people out yesterday how incredible. In 1981 when I graduated from high school I didn't even know what the word queer, dyke or fag meant. Times have changed. It would have never even occurred to me that I too could maybe get married to my partner one of these days. First I have to get one but that's not really the point. As I tried to tell my friend today,who really doesn't understand the whole marriage thing- if I married a guy here in Washington then moved to Florida the marriage would be recognized, but if I married my girlfriend here in Washington (not that you can-yet) that it would not would be recognized in the state of Florida or for that most of the rest of the country. I don't think it is so much about the word "marriage", as it is to just be able to have the same cival rights. And really isn't that what we all want.

2008-10-27T08:36:00.001-07:00

How right can this be?

I don't know-
Most mornings I wake up and forget to be grateful for all the things I take for granted. Yet I found myself at the hub of all Seattle destinations yesterday morning sitting drinking my Starbucks coffee and a cigarette trying to blissfully ignore that which was all around me. I sometimes think my life sucks because I feel like I am wandering with no direction right now, wanting GOD to give me some burning bush sign that I am indeed headed in the right direction, to give me the answers to the questions I so desperately seek-yet not really ever satisfied with anything put in my path...instead of being grateful for the opportunities I am given today I sit and bitch about all that I do not have. How dare I when this being sat with her life in a backpack the size of what I take for granted everyday. How can you enjoy your life when life sits and looks you right back in the face daring you to complain yet a little more. Then I met Rob- perhaps not seeing the message but more the messenger on this beautiful morning. At first I was afraid to approach him- not knowing what to expect- but this gentle being just wanted what we all wanted. Just some acknowledgment of his existence. Was it any different then what I ask for everyday. I ask him if I could buy him a cup of coffee and share with him a cigarette in exchange for a few pictures- yes he said. I asked him how he like his coffee just black was all he replied. So we sat and smoked silently as I look upon his beat up body- when I finally spoke it was to ask him where he spent the night last night. In a very quiet voice he shared with me that there was a place over by the market that had electrical outlets where he could recharge his battery operated wheelchair and sleep relitavely safe. I ask him how did he get there and as he spoke I felt this immense sadness overwhelm both of us. He shared a story that could have easily been mine. He had a troubled past, spending sometime incarcerated for petty crimes, he hadn't finished high school but worked to get his GED inside. Upon release he found it extremely difficult to find work or go to school- he simpliy said "no one wants to hire a convicted felon". Feeling as if he had nowhere to go and nothing productive to offer society he felt his only way out was to take his own life- but his attempt landed him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. I asked him how he got by and he said some money from the government but he ask me if I could live on $300 , I could not was all I could reply. The loop holes he said where unbearable-fighting for his social security was an all consuming effort in his life right now. That and where he was going to sleep-but he said to me he wasn't worried about that yet, it was still early in the day. I sat with him as I watch some people approach us and drop money into his dirty Starbucks cup, he said usually people were not so generous this early in the morning. Maybe he said it had something to do with the warm sun-
As I got up to leave I drop some money into his cup and gave him another cigarette, he said to me thank you for taking the time to talk with me-you let me feel human today as if I had something to offer. No I said to him-thank you for saving my life today.

2008-10-11T09:39:00.001-07:00

"Why Do Mannequins Have Hard Nipples"

I love Friday mornings. Contrary to my own misconceptions that I should be fully charged up on Monday mornings-the opposite is true. I find myself arriving on Friday mornings on the corner of 4th & Pike-charged up on not enough sleep all week,copious amounts of caffeine and nicotine & something indescribable- the bliss of yet another weekend filled with homework, a empty bed and a tank full of fish staring at me all hours of the night waiting to be fed. Not that I sleep any less because of the fish. At first I was lulled to sleep by the never ending sound of the bubbles, but when I added the second tank-now its bubbles in stereo.Surround sound by Dolby bubbles. Most nights truth be told it really does aid in falling asleep, but lately between the surround sound, sam the satanic cat kneading bread on black dogs furry chest-kneading her to sleep-all serves to remind me of "EBS" or better known as empty bed syndrome. (By the way-this was a phrase I heard from a friend).Anyway I know what you are thinking-what does any of this have to do with "why do mannequins have hard nipples"? Hold the presses I am getting there.
So there I sat in front of "Starbucks" on 4th & Pike wondering why with my empty thoughts on "EBS"-why is the same roast of coffee I brew at home just a mere hour ago at my house is 10x stronger then mine and my ex said I made it to strong. I always have to ask them to add hot water then I have to add more cream to it-turning it almost white (white coffee) and now it's to cold to drink (because I like my coffee at least 185 degrees)- damn it there I go getting sidetracked by Starbucks. Where was I?
Oh yes-corner of 4th & Pike-black dawn rising, street people wandering(where do they pee anyway?) cigarette smoking and my very luke warm yet strong cup of Pike Place Roast when in the middle of my "EBS" train of thought- I started thinking back to the nipple hardened mannequin I thought I may have seen in those pre-dawn unconscious moments on Monday morning. So I gathered my rolling backpack,and cup of luke warm Starbucks coffee and wandered over to the Macy's window display usually occupied by a sleeping resident. Sure enough there she was standing tall in her purple cashmere sweater pulled taut over her very visible hardened nipples.
Sure she was attractive enough as far as mannequins go-but my question was why? Why were her nipples hard? She was in what I could only assume was a very nice warm window display with a cashmere sweater. How could she be cold? Was it perhaps the hot male mannequin in the window display next to her? So close yet in another window display world away. Did they know each other yet destined to be so close apart-coming close only when it was time to change their dirty clothes? What was the answer-I had to know. Maybe in today's economical crisis where I find it hard to part with my .45 cents in change from Starbucks which use to be my excuse for a lame tip- that perhaps Macy's now more then ever is using nipple hardened beautiful mannequins to sell purple cashmere sweaters. Personally I think perhaps she suffers from "EWS" or better known as "Empty Window Syndrome". Either way I should probably cut back on the coffee...

2008-09-14T17:57:00.001-07:00

"Every Kid"

Every kid dreams of being something great. What were you're dreams ask the small girl sitting in my arms. I don't know what I dreamed I replied to her.
Most mornings I awoke,emerging deep from within in my blankets stirring from an unrestful slumber-trying hard to not remember the nightmares from the night before. What did you dream asked the small voice?
I dreamt I hid from the monsters in the night-lumbering through the darkness stealing my youthful ideas of growing up. I dreamt of beautiful gardens and yellow fields sunburnt from the sun setting in the west. I remember once seeing the evening sky lit as if it were on fire, a burning ball of reds, oranges & yellows and wished I had a camera-to capture what I had never seen. I think I said to her colors always fascinated me...colors & textures. People and animals. Water, sun and air. Everything that reminds us the life is alive. And beautiful.
We sat still for a moment as she turned and put her arms around me and said; whatever you dream you can become. Dare to dream she whispered, dare to believe...

2008-09-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

"Mom"

Don't ask me why I decided to write about my mom-probably the only valid reason I could give you would be that yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of her passing and with that comes yet another wave of grieving for what was never to be. It is always hard for me because I am not sure how I am suppose to feel- Funny how life comes back around to sometimes bite you on the ass and not leave a physical mark. See my mother and I saw things so very different and yet both sick enough to believe that each of us was right in her own moral convictions. And in the end although I was able to be with her in her last days of human suffering though my suffering continued.
Although I had not spoken to her in almost the 2 years previous to her passing there wasn't much time in which I did not think of her or wonder how her life was. We were so much alike in certain ways. In my drinking days I was living waiting to die, she did not need alcohol to dull her pain of living, she merely passed her time with her god, her bible, baseball and copious amounts of sugar. We all have our ways of escaping. I could not or would not see pass her imperfections or her lack of motherly love as I perceived it. Instead I came to her as a broken adult, expecting her to fix my battle wounds with motherly hugs and kisses and when my fantasy did not bore it fruition's, I resented her even further until my glass castle came shattering down around me. It was then I turned my back on her and her dysfunctional thinking, never stopping long enough to remember that she too may have suffered as the little girl pictured above, becoming what I too had. Funny we were more alike then I had ever imagined.
The day I received the phone call from my sister informing me of of the seriousness of her illness, my friend and confident spoke to me as I sat in waves of guilt and obligation-saying that the only possible way for me to return to her was to let go of those feeling of guilt and obligation and to have no expectations of what was to come or to be. I had done this picture a year and a half before this, I had wanted to honor her,for somewhere in that time of unbearable pain and suffering on my part I found a path for healing. Through art and the ability to see just how beautiful she and I both were. Both just wounded children wanting to be loved. And now I was going to bring it to her while she laid on her deathbed. I would love to say that when I got there that we had those amazing mother-daughter re connections, that I was able to present to her this work of love that we had created, but by the time I got to the hospital she was already starting to slip away and though she was not able to see what I had created for the both of us, I believe she knew in those 72 hours that I sat holding her hand that I had come to acceptance for what had been and what we were sharing. And really in the end we both did the best that we could.

2008-09-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

"Two"
Two beautiful flowers soaking in the sun
Though different in appearance,
Wanted the same.
The pink Dalia with her tight spiral cones and pink white tips and yellow center
touching the yellow Dahlia with her open petals tinged with reds and pinks and her red center
Looking they saw how there centers mirrored each other
Seeing the beauty of just how different they were and yet the same
Not one more beautiful then the other
Just different
Yet both so very beautiful alone and together

2008-09-06T06:45:00.001-07:00

"Looking through God's Veil"

Good Morning Seattle;
Grab you're sunscreen and sunglasses and head for the city, beaches, the parks or the mountains, wherever you go there you are in all of Washington's beauty. I forget until one of two things happens- either I get behind the lens and accidentally capture the essence of life and love or I fall in love with whatever. In this case however it was was falling in love behind the camera. You know the day was absolutely as beautiful as a day can get in Seattle. As I meander through downtown Seattle taking in all the sights,taking in the colors and the sounds of a busy city day, breathing in the salty air coming off the Puget Sound, it was hard to not just capture random shots. From the homeless trying to blend in with the buildings to the tourist taking in the same sights and sounds that I so often take for granted. At the heart of it all was I- trying to absorb the city's vibration. It felt so alive beneath my feet- with every step I took I absorbed it's life pulse through the souls of my feet and would feel it leave out of my breath, leaving me changed in small unaware ways. I got to Volunteer Park where it was hard to bypass the Asian Art Museum-after all it was absolutely beautiful outside-museums are for rainy days and I made my way to the Dahlia Gardens. I laid against my camera bag under a beautiful oak tree in the shade and gazed at the rampant colors of the flowers before me. To sit and cultivate patience is one of the many gifts I have received in my life today- to be able to sit and appreciate the beauty of these wonderful flowers as I had done so earlier with the many varieties of beautiful dahlia arrangements at Pike Place Market was another. As I closed my eyes I laid in silent contemplation hoping when I was 90 I could still come to this beautiful place, lay under the same beautiful oak tree and appreciate life in all it's splendor. As always when I am trying to capture the beauty and grace that I believe god has created I ask always for the gift to see the world or whatever it is that I am trying to see as if I were looking through god's eyes and to see it as the creative source always sees it. I believe in this instance I captured the very essence of what maybe perhaps god sees. if not then perhaps I got as close as I could to god's perfection on that beautiful September day in the park.

2008-09-03T08:20:00.001-07:00

"Flash"

My fish had babies woo-hoo. I know what you're thinking Ziggy really needs to get a life- and yes it's true but on the other hand it is so cool to see little tiny babies just swimming on the bottom of their condo while dory (pictured on the left-mom) and nemo (dad) watch out carefully for their brood. If one of the little babies starts to flounder away mom or dad will gently scoop them up in their mouths and re-deposit them with their siblings. I wish my parents had been that good with me. Lately it feels like I am working on a lot of familiy of origin crap-like dosen't this shit ever go away- Being in recovery I suppose I am given plenty of opportunities to work on unwrapping the person typing before you're eyes. I sat and watched these precious little babies last night for a long time-seeing just how fragile their worlds are. Then looking at my life seeing the same thing-not so much as that my world is fragile but that my recovery is such a gift in navigating in this world. That at times yes my recovery is balanced precariously but as long as I continue to do the work stay connected to my creative source and continue to be the parents to myself that I never knew- then I too can continue to grow into a beautiful spirtual being having a human experience.

2008-08-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

So August is coming to an end and I sit and wonder where the hell summer went. Golden as it has been summers go so fast here in the Pacific Northwest. So short they are, hell they are shorter then me. So whats a girl to do with the approaching fall. I love the fall in reality. Pumpkin patches, brilliant color shows with the leaves changing, there is a smell that gets in the air. I have been on the lookout for changing colors on the trees but yet to notice. I love this picture- foxglove in the field of gold. It was a beautiful afternoon when I took this picture-just out walking. I sat down watching the wheat move gently in the afternoon breeze. It is where I have learn to cultivate patience- behind the lense of my camera. It is my get away time-away from the rest of the world, where I can hide and no one see or hears the endless banter going on in my head. I heard someone say a couple of weeks ago there is not much space between our minds and our mouths and so many times during the day it is so apperant how true that is. Much less room then between these two foxgloves-but on that day there was no one to share that beauty with. I wonder how many people walked past those two same flowers and saw what I did.
Live daringly today I will and look to see the beauty that surrounds me in words unspoken.

Day at the Lake

2008-08-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

It was suppose to be 90 degrees today.Hot for Seattle. What's a girl and her dog to do-gather up the lounge chair,the beach sheet bottle of water and a book to not read and make my way to Lake Washington. It's been a tough week I must tell you. I haven't been working for the last couple of weeks and I have been going crazy. I don't understand how people can sit in their apathetic states and consciously not work. It is making me crazy. Anyway I don't want to make this about the lazy state of our nation- but I decided to if I were going to be depressed I would not do it in the sauna of my little house. So off we went. It was nice down at the lake and no I will not disclose where it is because it is still relatively unknown. But I got down there and there was no one there...an auspicious start to my stress free day. So Rebos of course went right for the water which I was right behind her. Immediately she spotted the log buried in the water with it's stick fetching branches sticking out. Now I know my dog child after nine years and the part I admire about her is her tenacity- when this dog sets her mind to something and in this case it was wanting that stick fetching branch she was not going to let it go. So I watched her time and time again go after this branch, sometimes biting small parts of it but not getting the whole thing, yet she didn't give up. Eventually I had to pull her off and leash her up but she would keep watching it, I know waiting until she could get back in the water to give it another try.
One of the things in my sober life today is that I get to observe these character traits whether in people or in this case my dog and think "self-you to can do that". I left thinking yesterday that if my dog can go after what she wants time and time again until she succeeds then why can't I? And here is the cosmic ha-ha she never got the stick out of the water, but I haven't seen her so happy, nor sleep any better and if I know my dog should I go back to the lake today, tomorrow or somewhere down the road- if that branch is still sticking out of the water she will try again.

Just a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2008-08-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

Just a beautiful day in the neighborhood...won't you be my neighbor. I love my neighborhood, especially this time of the year. Once again I am acutely aware of summer's slow exit fading into what will soon be autumn. But I am getting ahead of myself. Stay in the moment, be the moment, enjoy the moment. I love walking my neighborhood in all its beautiful diversity. I live out by the airport so as I walk it is not uncommon for large planes to make their way over me as they prepare to land. Close enough are they that I can almost see the people staring down, wondering what that tiny speck on the ground is doing. If they were to ask I would tell them "I am taking a picture of these beautiful lilies". The fragrance of these beautiful flowers greet me as I approach them with the wonder of a 5 year old. Searching the water drops as they rivet down slowly on their deep green leaves and deep purple and luscious pink petals. The fragrance only serves to remind me how beautiful life is even on a busy street. That one only has to open their eyes to appreciate that which we pass by- day after day without ever noticing in this blur called life. And for how long will I retain this lily's beautiful smell as a car blasts by me, spewing exhaust into my inner circle reminding me that I to sometimes choose to drive, therefore missing the small water drops that fell with the early mornings rain.
Alright enough with the flower dribble...by the way this photo of the lily although taken with the cellphone was taken into photoshop and given some depth. I may walk back up later and ask the owner of this beautiful garden if I may take pictures of their beautiful flowers.
So onto the Olympics...did anybody else catch the opening ceremony last night. Spectacular! Go China go...I just finish watching or rather listened to the fencing bout...I never realized that someone could be so excited by winning their fencing match. I mean how does happen? One day many years ago a little girl sitting there,whomping on her baby brother with a willow switch when it occurs to her that some day when she grows up she too could be a famous fencer. I don't know-I guess some things still baffle my very small brain.
One other thing I am going to be a happy granma... my Blue Hondurans laid eggs...more to follow

Sunset in West Seattle

2008-08-08T07:49:00.000-07:00

So here I sit around a fire built,but not yet lit, except for the fiery glow cast from the setting sun off in the distance. Alone in my thoughts while being present in the moment-conscious of others sitting around me and people passing by alone in their thoughts. Except for the young couple behind me making out passionately lost in their own sunset.
It is beautiful tonight, the kind of summer night one experiences living in Seattle. As the sun goes down for the night and a refreshing chill settles in, one is reminded that these summer meetings are coming to a close soon and the fellowship I seek in these meetings will soon have to be found elsewhere- other rooms, other cities and suburbs. What an amazing gift this life provides today to sit and be one with the artist who created this beautiful sunset. To see the colors, the light and shadows that fall on the Olympic Range, to watch the passing ships between the islands and the city ferrying people back and forth between their destinations. I wonder if they see the same thing I do?Does it matter what they see? I suppose not- perhaps the fact for a brief moment we all see what we want to see. As I sit and talk to my companion I wonder what he sees, but I don't bother to ask. He is seemingly lost in his own thoughts. And I return to my own thoughts...